My Son

I remember waking up that morning and thinking "Damn, I'm still pregnant." Ten days"overdue" exactly.

Your sisters were with your father and I had the whole day to myself. Your Aunt Stacie called and I went dress shopping with her, and then for dinner we went out for Sushi. I could feel you rolling and kicking as I browsed the dress racks, as we waited for our Sushi.

And then, as Aunt Stacie was driving me home, I felt...something. Was it a contraction? Whatever it was, there was only one, although it was strong enough to make me catch my breathe.

When I got home, I got the sudden urge to clean. I cleaned the bathrooms, the kitchen, the living room. I swept the hardwood and vacuumed all the rugs.

I sang songs to you as I worked.

Then I sat down to watch some sessions from an online conference I had registered for. Pen and paper in hand, taking notes, I was so absorbed in the sessions that I didn't notice at first that something was happening again...but when I did finally notice, I started jotting down the times of each contraction I felt in the margarine of my notes. I updated my birth support team and also Facebook and Twitter. Your father brought your sisters home and they went straight to bed.

Finally, around midnight, I stretched, turned the computer off and took a nap.

I was woken up at 1:45 AMish by a contraction that was quite strong. I got up, called in the birth team.

Everyone started arriving at around 2:30AM. We baked birthday brownies for you and filled up the birth pool. Just like with the Guppy's birth, we had to heat up water on the stove because our water heater ran out of hot water too quickly.

I would put my hands on my belly and try to imagine what this felt like for you. What you were thinking, etc.

Soon I was holding onto walls, counters, chairs through each contraction. Sometimes I stood in the middle of the room with everyone present, a couple times I went into the small and dark bathroom to be alone with you for a couple of contractions.

It started to get really intense, and I got into the pool. Oh sweet, blissful water! Truly nature's epidural! I cupped my hands and poured water over my belly, over you.

And then...and then my body began to push.

I was so eager to meet you little one...but I do not like pushing. Not one bit. But I didn't have a choice, my body was doing it all on my own. So I rode each contraction, dreading that awful feeling of intense pressure as my body bared down on its own. I shook my head and said that I couldn't do it. I kept my sounds as low and deep into my throat as possible.

I dropped the F bomb once.

Then I reached down and felt your head. You felt like you were coming out so fast, I held my hand against you to try to slow things down a little. Your head was so incredibly, unbelievably soft. I'll never forget how soft you felt in that moment. It kept me from loosing my cool completely.

Soon I felt your head come out...then your shoulders, then you were out! My midwife passed you between my legs and said "Here Shelly, take your baby!"

And there you were in my arms, covered in vernix and so tiny!! I just looked at you and laughed and laughed. I looked up at the others and everyone seemed to be crying with joy. Joy because you were finally here!

After a while, one of the midwives made a comment about how healthy and big your umbilical cord looked (in fact, the thickest they have ever seen). It was only then that I thought to look...and saw that you were a boy!!

A son. My son. My Heart, My Soul, My Joy, My Love.....My Son.

I fall more in love with you every day....welcome to the world, my beautiful little boy.

The Tadpole was born at 4:33 AM on Sunday, May 23rd weighing 9lbs even.

My Son

My Love

Baby is here. My joy, my heart, my love.

Born at 4:33 AM on May 23rd. 9lbs even. It's a BOY!

More pictures and birth story to come soon!

My Love

Shouldn't This Be A Nursing Picture?

Belly shot at 41 weeks. That's right, I said 41.

We can't wait to meet you, little one!

Wordless Wednesday.

Shouldn't This Be A Nursing Picture?

40+ Weeks

I'm not really surprised that the baby is content to sit for a while. The Mermaid was seven days "overdue" and the Guppy was ten days. I'm not uncomfortable and I really am fine with sitting and waiting until baby is ready....but I just really hate being in that "limbo" state of waiting. Not really wanting to make plans, dealing with being the watched tea pot.

I am convinced of three things, though: 1. Baby is a girl. 2. She has a hat fetish. 3. She just wants to see how many hats she can get me to crank out before her arrival.

Hats are quick and easy to knit up, and are really helping me fill in the time during this waiting period. After the apple hat that I posted about, I made a cute little devil hat:



and then a cute little Bunny hat:

More information can by found on my ravelry page.

The difference with this waiting period versus my other pregnancies is that I've been very distracted. While with the Mermaid and Guppy I was able to go about my regular schedule up until I went into labor, with this pregnancy for some reason I've let a LOT of things slide. Waiting for baby has been my excuse for being a tad bit lazy. No more. Starting today, I'm going to work on catching up on those things that I fell behind in, including watching some session of the Gold 2010 Online Lactation Conference that I registered for a while back.

Thanks for checking it, dear friends. Hopefully my next post will contain adorable baby pictures!

40+ Weeks

Still Waiting...

I'm still here. Still waiting for baby to make his or her appearance.

Surprisingly, I don't feel rushed or impatient. I'm rather comfortable most of the time, and I've been getting so much help from my fabulous and supportive family. The only we have left to do is inflate the birth pool and do a practice run. I don't "feel" like I'm ready to burst or drop or anything.

I've tried to keep my calendar clear as much as possible, so I can spend the rest of this pregnancy relaxing. Of course, for me the word "relaxing" is synonymous with "knitting". Here is my latest knitting project: an apple hat, for the newest Apple of My Eye.


More information can be found on my ravelry page. Last night I cast on and started a little devil hat. I wonder if I will have another time to finish it before baby comes...

Oh sweet baby, we are so in love with you already and can't wait to meet you!

Still Waiting...

I Am A Willow Tree

My Mother's Blessing, or Blessingway, was yesterday. To be surrounded by so many supportive family members and friends was absolutely wonderful. I was in heaven all day.

We did smudging, sharing of thoughts and advice, beads to make a birthing necklace, and belly henna. The sharing of thoughts and poems, etc. really touched me and made me feel really loved and supported.

And, I realized, that I can do this.

I am a Willow Tree

Strong, yet fluid

Graceful.

I can bend with the wind,

But my roots are tough, Indestructible.

Opening to birth my child

I am flowing with the wind

From a soft and gentle breeze

To a stormy gale

Back to a soft and gentle breeze.

My body is strong, but flexible.

It is my friend, it knows how to open.

I am friend to my body.

Eating well, walking, and loving myself.

I shall birth safely, freely, openly among my loved and trusted ones.

I am the Willow, flexible, beautiful, resilient

Endowed with the power of surrender

To the wind rustling through my leaves, my branches.

My roots reach deep into Mother Earth, anchored in her strength

I bring forth life

In joy

I am a Willow

I am a Mother

I am Strong.

- Anonymous

Thank you to everyone who made my Blessingway so special.

I Am A Willow Tree

The Ultimate Gift of Spring

For this entire week, I've been running errands all day, every day. I'm exhausted.

But, I'm almost ready. The baby stuff is mostly set up, my homebirth supplies organized. I'm almost there.

It's Spring here, but it hasn't felt like it. This week has been cold, rainy, and we even got some snow yesterday morning. So while I've had to be content at looking through the window at the new life outside, I've got all the new life I need right inside me, kicking away.

Soon, I'll hold this new life in my arms. The best Spring ever.

38 Weeks.

You Capture: Spring

The Ultimate Gift of Spring

Coming Down To The Wire

I know I disappeared for a week.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and not only am I running around preparing last minute things for baby's arrival, but I've also had a lot of other things that I've had to sort out in my life, too.

I needed to take a little time off, and take care of my family. But, I missed you guys. I missed writing.

Plus, to be honest, I need to sit back and re-examine the thoughts and energy I was putting out in the universe. Because lately, they've been really negative. But I've worked on that, and I can honestly say that despite everything that is going on, life is really good right now.

In about three weeks, this life kicking happily away inside me will be in my arms. My little nursling. Full of that sweet newborn smell.

I've got another giveaway coming up, and in a few weeks I will have pictures of my belly casting, family and maternity photo shoot, and mothers blessing to share with you. It's all coming together now.

In the meantime, here is a bit of sweetness to tide you over:

Oh, how my heart melts!!

Coming Down To The Wire

Footprints

All of my children have made footprints on my heart.

This baby, though not yet born, is no exception.

I'm 34 weeks today, and it is getting harder to pick her up. But the kisses and cuddles made it all worth it.

You Capture: Feet

Footprints

Reaching For Courage

I find myself reaching a lot. Reaching to grasp the full miracle of the life inside me. Reaching to understand how my life is going to change.

Reaching for courage.

Because ready or not, this baby will be here in about 8 weeks. And while I am so excited and thrilled, I'm also scared.

Scared that I won't be the best mom to parent three little ones.

Scared about our future, if it will turn out the way we plan.

Scared about other things in my life, that are too personal to blog about but nonetheless keep me up at night.

And so I wear this necklace, to remind me that I have the Courage to be the best that I can be, nothing more, nothing less....I only have to reach for it.

This life inside me fills me with joy. And it is all in my reach.

You Capture: Reaching

Reaching For Courage

Can I Add Maid To My List?

See that pregnancy ticker over in my sidebar? Yeah, that one.

The one that says we have 9 weeks left. Nine weeks!

Have I even started to prepare? No. So in the next few weeks, I will be busy washing baby clothes, super cleaning the house, and getting after the Knight to bring up the one piece of baby furniture that we will be using.

Oh, and of course, making my list of things I really need for this baby.

You can read more about my list over at MassMoms, where today I am writing about baby registries vs. what moms really need. Would love your comments!

Can I Add Maid To My List?

Hopeful

This life inside me moves, strong kicks and hiccups and heartbeats.

We all wait, eager to get through these last ten quick and crazy weeks...eager to complete our family.

This new life? It fills us with hope.

You Capture: Hopeful

Hopeful

Sometimes I Wish I could Forget....

It's been one year.

But I still remember everything. And at times, the pain is so fresh that it feels like I'm reliving every moment.

I remember how callous the doctor was, as he said "yes, your baby is dead. Look, you can see his head is already caving in."

I remember how hurt and alone I felt when this same doctor dropped me from his care because I was "questioning his authority."

I remember sitting down at my kitchen table with phone in hand...calling doctor after doctor, and explaining through tears over and over again that my baby had died, my doctor had dropped me from his care, and I needed a new doctor. And listening over and over again as each doctor told me to just go to the ER.

I remember finally finding a doctor. A kind, compassionate woman who sat with us for over an hour to explain my options and completely let me lead the way when choosing how to deliver my baby.

I remember packing for the hospital, and being at a complete loss at what to bring.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table and knowing it was time to leave, and saying over and over again "I don't want to do this....I don't want to do this..."

I remember feeling the cytotec finally kick in, and thinking how all the websites lied, it did feel like full blown labor, in fact it felt worse than any other of my other labors!

I remember weeping into The Knight's shoulder through every contraction, saying over and over "This isn't fair, this isn't fair...."

I remember all this, and I wish I could forget.

But I remember other things, too.

I remember the compassion in my doctor's eyes, and how kind and patient the nurses were.

I remember how perfect and tiny his body was. I remember how the nurse didn't hesitate at all when taking his pictures, his footprints, his measurements.

I remember that they blessed him in the early morning, and how the soft lights and shadows made the ritual so peaceful.

I remember the sincerity on the funeral directors face, and how he wrote "no charge" at the bottom of our slip.

I remember knowing once and for all that I will NEVER take a healthy pregnancy for granted again.

I remember realizing that despite all that happened, I still have faith in my body's ability to carry and nourish a child.

And finally, I remember all the emails and cards the flooded in, some from people I didn't know, so many of them saying "It happened to me too". Reading their stories, stories that they probably haven't felt comfortable enough to share so openly in a long time, for in our culture discussing pregnancy loss is taboo.

And I remember feeling less alone. And then, stronger.

Yes, sometimes I wish I could forget. But Kalei is a part of our lives, our family. He has changed us for the good and bad.

I never knew that I could never know someone, and yet miss him so badly. But I know that he is still here with us, in one way or another.

We miss you, our little angel.

Sometimes I Wish I could Forget....

WW: 28 Weeks and Growing!!

Fore more Wordless Wednesday, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

WW: 28 Weeks and Growing!!

So Close....

As of yesterday, I am 28 weeks along.

The start of the 3rd Trimester.

It is flying by, helped by our excitement and anticipation. Picturing the birth....holding a wiggly baby....smelling that baby smell.

We can't wait to meet you, little one. We love you so much!

So Close....

My Journey to Homebirth, Part II: The Birth of The Guppy

This post is the second post in My Journey to Homebirth series; you can read the first post here.

When The Mermaid was 15 months old, The Knight and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child. Looking back on The Mermaid's birth, I knew that this time I wanted things to be different. Also, I had since met moms who had had homebirths, and I knew that things could be different; that I had other choices besides another hospital birth. So I talked it over with The Knight, and although he was a little hesitant, he agreed to interview some midwives with me. After our first interview, once he saw how experienced and prepared the midwife was, he was fully on board and we switched my care over.

I chose homebirth because I found the midwifery model of care to be more to my liking than the model of care that one typically gets from an OBGYN. I chose a homebirth because I did want a natural childbirth, and I knew that my best chances personally were if I were home, where no pain drugs were available. I chose homebirth because it felt "right" to me. I chose homebirth because I trusted my midwife, and I was finally able to trust myself and my body's ability to birth my baby.

I did NOT choose homebirth because I wanted a "nice environment". Contrary to what the media has portrayed when talking about women who choose to give birth at home, most do NOT choose this option so that they can dim the lights and light pretty candles. Most women who choose homebirth has researched their choice long and hard, and made an educated decision after realizing that for them, home is the safest place for them to give birth.

On the morning of September 26th, 2006, ten days past my due date, I woke up to regular contraction and realized I was in labor. I woke up and was not shrouded in fear or doubt; I woke up excited and full of confidence.

And here is the birth of The Guppy:

That morning, around 5 AM, I awoke to some contractions. I lay there for a while, enjoying the peace and quiet and seeing if the contractions were going to go away. After I while, I realized that they were pretty consistent and strong. I woke my husband up and we got to work setting up the last minute details. We called my mother, cousin, and sister and told them to come to our house as soon as they could. We called my midwife as well.

Pretty soon my house was filled with excited laughter, as my cousin and sister arrived. We started to bake a birthday cake and talked to The Mermaid about what was happening. I rode the laughter in waves, like I rode each contraction. As soon as I would feel a contraction coming on, I would hang on my husbands shoulders and we would slow dance while I gazed into his eyes; that was all I needed to stay grounded and focused through each contraction. After the contraction ended, I would go back to joking and laughing with everyone there.

We filled up the birthing tub, and as we did my contractions went from seven minutes apart to three minutes apart. I felt very much in control and very calm, and in fact did not realize that I was beginning transition.

When my midwife arrived, I was in transition and getting ready to push. Pushing the baby out was the hardest part, but I kept my focus my gazing in The Knight's eyes through each contraction. I pushed my daughter out in the tub at 1:37pm. When she was born, I was completely aware of what was going on in my surroundings. They immediately brought her up out of the water and placed her in my arms, and I was completely aware of her presence. My midwives helped me get out of the tub and onto the couch, and once there I latched her on right away. She latched on perfectly and started nursing like a champ, she was awake and alert. Other than sore nipples, I had no problems whatsoever with nursing her. I was able to bond with her right away. She was over 9lbs, yet I did not tear at all.

Afterwards The Knight, The Mermaid and I drank champagne with the others before heading into our room to cuddle on the bed and regroup as a family. The Knight and I kept looking at The Guppy then back at each other with silly grins on our faces, we couldn't believe we had done it!!

My postpartum period with her was very different from with The Mermaid. I had no postpartum depression at all; in fact, I finally was able to experience the "birth high" that I had read about so many times when preparing myself for this birth. The care I had received was excellent in so many ways, and The Knight and I knew that we would choose to give birth at home again in a heart beat.

So...is homebirth for everyone? No. I believe that you have to give birth where you feel safe and comfortable.

Do I believe that you can have a pleasant birth experience in the hospital? Of course. As a doula, I have been witness to many empowering births that took place in a hospital. So what steps can you take to help your hospital birth experience is pleasant? I will cover that in part 3.

Do you have a homebirth story that you would like to share? Or do you have any questions about homebirth? Ask away!

My Journey to Homebirth, Part II: The Birth of The Guppy

A Soccer Baby?

Sunday morning I woke up early and lay there, feeling the baby kick away.

The Mermaid came in to our room to say hello, and I took her hand and pressed it against my belly, and right away she felt the baby kick.

You know those moments when you wish so badly that you had a camera? Well, it was one of those moments. The expression on her face was priceless....joy and excitement and surprise.

The next 15 minutes she asked question after question about why the baby is kicking. "Is the baby dancing? Scared? Jumping? Practicing for soccer?"

I explained as best as I could that babies just kick while they are in their mommies....its their way of getting used to how to use their body.

I think she understood...but she still thinks that this baby is going to be born a soccer star. And she is very impressed.

Not even here yet, little one, and already surrounded by so much love...

A Soccer Baby?

My Needles Are On Fire....

....from all the knitting I've been doing.

I finished up the gift set that I was working on for a dear friend who is pregnant. I knit up some cute baby booties to match the beanie hat I knitted, then knit up a matching kitty cat, too.

I then got to work on knitting the same set for my belly bean. So far I have the beanie hat finished:

Since we won't know until after the birth whether this baby is a boy or a girl, I'm trying to make the hat and booties look gender neutral without using the pastel green and yellow colors, which I don't particularly like. Although this sage green yarn is more "boyish", I think making the bulk of the hat a soft ecru makes it more gender neutral.

More information can be found on my ravelry page..

Knitting has become part of my daily rhythm that I enjoy and look forward to. After the girls are in bed, I make myself a cup of tea, sit down on the couch with my knitting bag and catch up on my favorite shows.

Usually the baby moves a lot at night, so as I am knitting baby things I get to enjoy feeling the baby kick, kick, kick inside me. It is so relaxing and blissful.

I hold the soft yarn in my hands, and imagine it against the baby's skin....16 more weeks to go.

My Needles Are On Fire....

Babies, Babies, Everywhere!

I feel like everywhere I look, there are newborn babies about.

Every time I see one I just want to pick them up, breathe in the baby scent, and kiss their little cheeks.

I'm 24 weeks today, and I am so excited for May to get here so I can finally hold my little one.

And breath in that baby scent...kiss those chubby cheeks...

So hard to believe that in about 16 short weeks, I will be sitting here at my laptop, typing one handed, and brushing the crumbs from my breakfast out of my little nursling's hair.

And feeling my baby's heartbeat under my hand, oh so strong....

I can't wait to meet you, little one, and finally hold you in my arms. We love you so much.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere!

Blissfully Unprepared

Yesterday I was looking at the pregnancy ticker on my blog and it said 117 days left until the baby is born. That sounds like a lot.

But then I did the math and realized that is 17 weeks! And then I did more math and realized that I have only 4 months until this baby is here!

Holy crap.

I spent so much time praying just to make it past 14 weeks and the anticipation and worry made the first trimester pass ever. so. slowly.

Then I made it to 15 weeks and I started to relax, just a little. And then I felt those first wonderful kicks and I really relaxed and since then this pregnancy has FLOWN by.

I haven't really prepared anything yet, but I do have time. And I am so enjoying carrying this baby around, feeling him or her kick away. I am so excited for this birth.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant, and it is bliss.

Blissfully Unprepared