Cousins

2 and 4 months

7 and 9 months

Oh, the adventures they'll have!

Wordless Wednesday

Cousins

My Favorite Kisses Are The Sloppy Ones

My Dearest Tadpole,

Seven months old now, and you just experienced your first Christmas. You are such an easy going, relaxed baby. Through all the holiday chaos, all the holiday parties, you were so happy and carefree.

You didn't even cry when you met Santa. You only stared at his beard.
A few weeks ago I was having a kale salad for lunch and you sneaked a little bit off my plate when I wasn't looking and ate it. I was hoping to hold off on solids a little longer, but you had different plans. If I don't offer you whatever I have on my plate, you dive forward and try to grab it yourself. So I've been offering pieces here and there: some banana, salad, mashed potatoes, sweet potato, and broccoli. So far potatoes and broccoli are your favorites. I don't give you much, just a taste here and there, and that seems to be all you want.

You are SO CLOSE to crawling! You get up on all fours, and that's where you get stuck, struggling and then finally crying for me to sit you back up on your butt again.

You look to me often. You put your arms up so that I will pick you up, you love to sit on my lap. You twist yourself around and put your hands on either side of my face, hold my head still, and study my eyes. And you give kisses!!! Big, sloppy kisses that leave drool on my face, but it is so cute that I don't mind.

You seem to have a special relationship with The Mermaid. She carries you around, entertains you, talks to you. Sometimes I see a look pass between the two of you, a wordless understanding that I am left out of. I admit, I feel a small pang of jealousy when this happens, and also when she makes you laugh so hard that you shake. I never can make you laugh that hard, no matter how much I try. But in the end, I am so glad that you have such a great relationship with your sisters.

I hate being away from you. Going to the gym for an hour recharges my batteries, but I always miss you and rush home, where you greet me with a smile and a big sloppy kiss.

I am so blessed to have you in my life, and I love you so much.

You bring me such joy, little one.

My Favorite Kisses Are The Sloppy Ones

Post Holiday Ramblings

Eleven days since I last sat down to write a post in this blog.

Eleven days of not being able to find the time in the Holiday Chaos.

Eleven days, and during that time: I went on call for an early January birth; The Tadpole turned 7 months old; I took 386 pictures (386!); I baked four batches of vegan cupcakes and two batches of non-vegan cookies; I agonized over shipping estimates and ran out to my mailbox 22 times; I cleaned out the girl's room, decorated the house, and wrapped presents.

My vegan Tiramisu cupcakes

And I just managed to get through it all without getting completely overwhelmed.

And it was all worth it.

Gift-wise, this Christmas was our smallest Christmas yet. But in all other ways, it was our biggest. The kids didn't notice that there were fewer gifts under the tree. I like to think that it was because the fewer gifts you buy, the more thought you put in to each gift.

And now it's over, the whirlwind has passed, leaving only wonderful memories for my children to cherish.

Now the snow is falling outside, everyone is in bed except for me. The Tadpole has a bad cold right now and hasn't been sleeping well, and I think I finally caught it from him because my throat is starting to get sore. I'm taking elderberry syrup, and hoping it doesn't get any worse than this.

I can hear the wind beating against the glass door. The Tadpole's diapers are out on the back deck, but I am not daring enough to brave the chilly wind to go retrieve them.

I'm hoping my client doesn't call tonight. It would be nice to get one night of good sleep before the birth.

Post Holiday Ramblings

The Next Generation

This year in my family on The Knight's side, three babies were born. Bringing the total number of children in the next generation to seven.

Every year the family grows larger. We are so blessed and lucky!

This weekend I snapped some pictures of the girls and The Tadpole with their cousin C. Some of them were shot outside.

It's fun watching the kids grow up together. It certainly makes the family holiday gatherings more joyful <3

You Capture

The Next Generation

Magic

I see the Christmas lights, reflected in his eyes.

Christmas magic.

Wordless Wednesday

Magic

11 Days

We finally put our tree up this weekend. The Knight and I let the girls take the lead this year, and I think they did a fabulous job.

Afterwards The Mermaid picked up The Tadpole and carried him over so that he could get a good look at his first Christmas tree. We already have his first ornament hanging from one of the branches.

Whenever The Mermaid picks up The Tadpole, his whole face lights up. She's usually picking him up to show him something, and I swear he looks at where she points and his face gets serious as he concentrates and studies whatever it is she is showing him.

He may not know what it is, but at only 6 months old, he can tell it is important to The Mermaid that he see it.

I always say that the girls spoil The Tadpole...but I think he spoils them, too.

11 Days

Jingle Bells

The girls were in their first Christmas this weekend. They were in the choir, and sang Jingle Bells. The Mermaid is not a quiet child; I laughed when I heard her voice above the others.
I like our church. It's very liberal and open, and everyone is so incredibly nice. It's a great community and I'm so glad my kids get to be a part of it.
Now their memories of Christmas will be made up of community, instead of just images of the inside of the mall.

Jingle Bells

Sparks

Static electricity, anyone?

Wordless Wednesday

Sparks

High Heels And All

I wear many hats. Doula, friend, woman, advocate, activist, etc.

And of course, my most important hat: mother.

Lately the mother hat has been feeling a little big. Falling into my eyes, losing its shape and coming apart at the seams, to be more precise.

I went to sweep the kitchen floor, and realized it was the fifth time I did so today.

Small hands always reaching, grabbing and tugging on my sleeves. Begging for my attention.

Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy!

Same thing, day after day.

Sometimes, I want to play dress up, too. Think of myself as something other than a mother. Remember what it was like to have an identity separate from my children.

I like to believe that I'm good at not letting motherhood define me as a person. Just because I'm a mother, doesn't mean I have to give up who I am.

Sometimes it's just harder than others.

High Heels And All

That's Better

He always tilts his head to the side when he smiles. Or when he studies me.


I don't have to hide my faults around him. He loves me anyway. But looking into those eyes, all I want to do is try to be a better person.

Having him in my life makes me a better person.

That's Better

Bookshelf Porn

I am drooling over here. Drooling.

Bookshelf Porn

Bookshelf Porn

Kindred Spirits

They are so much alike, both in looks and personality.

They truly are kindred spirits.

You Capture.

Kindred Spirits

Winter Hat, Part II

I was so happy to finish this hat for The Guppy. It has been a while since I've knitted something for her, and she was thrilled to get her very own hat.

It was easy and fun to knit.

More information about this project can be found on my Ravelry page.

Wordless Wednesday

Winter Hat, Part II

He's A Mean One

Dr. Suess tell us not to ask why the Grinch hates Christmas, because "no one quite knows the reason."

In Church this past Sunday, the Minister brought up an interesting question in her sermon: Why did the Grinch hate Christmas so much?

Maybe he felt left out. Maybe the Whos, afraid of someone who was different from them, excluded him from their community. Maybe his isolation and loneliness was what made him so angry and mean.

I read the story to the girls, and at the end, I wonder who really learned a lesson here. Yes, the Grinch learned that Christmas is more than presents and ribbons. But the Whos? Did they learn anything?

When the Whos invited the Grinch to their Christmas feast, his heart grows three sizes bigger. Maybe the Whos realize the benefits and joy of reaching out to a stranger, and including him in their community.

One of my goals for this holiday season is to reach out to the Mr. Grinch's of the world. Reach out to strangers, those people who are lonely, learn their stories, treasure their company.

Just a bit of holiday season thought.

He's A Mean One

Let Me Pick Your Brain

I guess if you call your lawyer and tell him to take the Temporary Court Orders off the schedule because there's a chance you might not be getting divorced, that's a good thing, right?

After almost of year of being separated, the Knight and I are giving it another go.

To be honest, it's his idea. So much shit has gone down over the past year, horrible things done and said...I'm trying my best to get past all that, but it's hard.

Things are going well. We're getting along very well, back on the same page on a lot of things. Spending lots of time together with just us two, and also with the kids as a family.

It really is good to be spending time with him again, time as a family again.

So why do I feel like I should be keeping my fingers crossed?

Do me a favor. I'm reaching out to you, lovely readers. If you are in a marriage that has gone through some serious crap, and you made it through to remain happily married in the end...how did you do it? I want your tips, your advice. I want to sit down with you and have a virtual cup of coffee and pick your brain.

I need to know that somewhere out there, another couple has triumphed over serious shit. That it is possible for us to get through this with our family intact.

Please share your stories and thoughts.

Let Me Pick Your Brain

Sushi

It's a new thing for me, but I've made and eaten it every day this week.

I usually make the rice the night before, and cut up the veggies beforehand as well.

Put down the Nori, press down the rice, roll with my new bamboo mat...it's relaxing, actually. And it tastes great. And it's healthy.

Win win for me.

You Capture

Sushi

Just Kidding

Just kidding.

Sort of.

You wake up always around 7AM, and we nurse. Then you play happily with your feet while I get your sisters ready for the day. We eat breakfast, you nurse, then nap, then nurse, then play, then nurse, then play, then bedtime.

It all seems so ordinary, doesn't it?

But it's not.

Every day with you somehow seems magical. Watching you nurse, studying you as you take in your surroundings...seeing you grow and learn right in front of my eyes.

Magical.

You are so polite. You don't really cry, you just make a gentle sound to let me know that you want to nurse, or want your diaper changed.

Each time you laugh, it tugs at my heart, and sends tingles up my spine. Six months ago, I didn't know you, hadn't met you. And now I can't imagine my life without you.

Now you smile whenever I walk into the room. Now you have tickle spots. Now you hold your arms up when you want me to pick you up.

Now, when I softly call your name, you turn to me and look me in the eye. I think that is my favorite milestone so far, the fact that you now know your name, know who you are.

I wonder, do you like your name? Does it make you happy to hear me whisper it in your ear, followed by the words "I love you"? Does it help you comprehend in any way the power and force of the love that I feel for you, will always feel for you?

Probably not. But I whisper it to you anyway, and you look at me with recognition, and yes, I think with love too.

Another beautiful month, my son. Can't wait to see what the next one brings.

Wordful Wednesday

Just Kidding

My Lips Are Sealed.

The Tadpole turned six months old today.

I don't want to talk about it.

My Lips Are Sealed.

Pinky Swear

My dearest Tadpole,

I have learned so much from you, starting from the moment of your birth. You are both wise and innocent, and your presence has made my life joyful. My only son, I am looking forward to seeing you grow into a man.

To you, dear Tadpole, I promise:

To teach you about strength, dignity, and perseverance. To teach you about self-respect, and how to treat others as you would like to be treated.

I promise to forgive you your mistakes, and hope you forgive me for mine.

I promise to do what I can to help you fulfill your dreams and passions.

I promise to keep listening to the lessons you teach me, to look at the world through your eyes, to help you keep your innocence for as long as possible.

I promise to teach you that being a father is one of the most important jobs in the world.

I promise to teach you responsibility, yet also teach you not to live life too seriously.

I promise to show you how to find joy in the simple things: a sunset, a good poem, the smell of rain in the early morning.

I promise to do what I can to make this world a better place for your children.

I promise to show you that the world can be a wonderful place, and how to be fearless but safe as you make your way out on your own.

Most importantly, I promise to support you in any path you choose, love you unconditionally, and always make you feel welcome in my arms.

I wrote these promises to The Guppy as part of her baby blessing, and I am sharing them now.

Pinky Swear

My Inspiration

She makes promises to her younger brother and sister. To always be there for them, to be their best friends, to protect them...

At those times where I am at my wits end, she calms everyone down and projects peacefulness.
She surprises me every day. With her words and actions, she motivates me to become a better person.

She's my inspiration.

You Capture

My Inspiration

This Old, Familiar Dance.

Every other night, I sit down with my knitting.

The yarn spins through my fingers, the needles gently click together, and the dance begins.

The knitting dance. Fingers and needles moving in harmony, dancing with the yarn to create something special.
And when it's done, I put it on him proudly...
and it's almost like his entire head is protected by my love.

Wordless Wednesday.

More information about this pattern can be found on my Ravelry page.

This Old, Familiar Dance.

I Promise

My dearest Guppy,

You are my sweet child, the one whose birth taught me that I can reach deep into myself and accomplish anything. Your compassion and empathy towards others never ceases to amaze me

Dear Guppy, to you I promise:

To always be thankful for your presence in my life. To remember that you are my free-spirited child, my barefoot daughter in the grass, my child of fairies and princesses. I promise to help you keep your sense of wonder and imagination.

I promise to model patience, perseverance, and a willingness to look at things from your point of view, so that you may learn how to practice these values.

I promise to show you the true value and power of being a woman and a mother, and to guide you on the somewhat rocky path to womanhood.

I promise to take all your childhood wishes and dreams seriously, no matter how silly they may seem to the rest of the world.

I promise to be there through every disappointing event, through all the break ups and break outs, through days of teenage angst.

I promise to guide and protect you, but at the same time I promise to be honest about the harsh realities of the world, and let you learn from your own mistakes.

Most importantly, I promise to support you in any path you choose, love you unconditionally, and always make you feel welcome in my arms.

I wrote these promises to The Guppy as part of her baby blessing, and I am sharing them now.

I Promise

Those Days Are Gone

Oh, and The Tadpole can sit up on his own now.


He sits there, wobbly and unsteady. Keeping his balance carefully, looking up at me with a smile, searching my face for approval.

And here's my secret: behind the proud smile I am giving him, I'm crying.

He's my last. He's almost six months old. He's sitting up.

I think back to this past week, to the craziness and chaos, to the frustration and stress and slip ups where I yelled at the girls.

And I think about how the only time I had made to simply sit and cuddle with my little babe was when we were both sick.

He spends so much of his day smiling, in his new high chair or on the blanket on the floor or in my arms while I teach The Mermaid. So smiley and happy.

But sometimes he gives me this look that breaks my heart...like he is begging me to just sit down with him.

Slow down.

Relax.

To play with him a little. To cuddle just a little more. To just sit and let him nurse as long as he wants without mentally rushing him.

To just be with him.

How do I do it? How do I balance three kids with everything else in life?

I feel as though I'm being pulled apart at the seams. Everywhere I look, someone or something needs my attention. I spin around and around, juggling it all together until I look down...

...and see my baby sitting up. Growing up.

And I smile proudly while hiding the fact that my heart is ripping in two with the realization that the newborn days are now over for me. Permanently.

Those Days Are Gone

Soccer Stars, Part 2

This past weekend, The Guppy got her chance to be the soccer star when she was awarded her medal at her team's pizza party. The joy on her face at getting her very first medal was priceless!!

Later, after she had gotten her medal and eaten her pizza, she pulled me close and whispered "Next time, can I do dance instead of soccer?"


She is my delicate flower.

Soccer Stars, Part 2

Serene

He's such a snuggle bug.

When the whole family is sick with colds and we're all stuffy and suffering from sore throats....

is it so wrong of me to be a little relieved? Because then I have an excuse to put on sweats and do nothing but this all day:

Is there anything more serene and peaceful than a sleeping baby?

You Capture

Serene

Joy in a Jar

Lately I've had a slight obsession with glass jars. I save them, wash them, peel the labels off. I store things in them...sunflower seeds, cotton balls, q-tips, extra change.

They're simple. Graceful. They go with everything. And they are very real; with glass jars, what you see is what you get.

No games. No guesses.

The Mermaid has picked up on my obsession and has made it her mission to find things to store in my jars. Last night she picked some dandelions from the backyard, filled a jar with water and put them in. Then she placed the jar on the table for dinner and announced, "We need a little joy for dinner."

We all sat down. The girls' hair was messy, their ponytails and braids having long fell out. The Tadpole was a bit grumpy, and I was a bit grumpy myself from having to walk/hold/sing to him all day. But I think it's important for us to eat at least one meal together as a family, so I got dinner on the table and we sat down to eat, with all our flaws and imperfections.

We are like the glass jars collecting in my house. We are simple, but graceful. We may shatter, we may crack, and we may not be perfect, but we are real.

What you see is what you get.

And fill us with the right things...then we can provide a lot of joy.

Joy in a Jar

Three Costumed Beauties

The Guppy was Ariel the Ballerina and The Mermaid was Woody the Cowboy.
The Guppy was Elvis.
Elvis with his cousin Tigger.
My three costumed beauties.

It was a wonderful Halloween.

Wordless Wednesday

Three Costumed Beauties

No Glass Bottle Would Be Big Enough, Anyway

They love it when I take out my camera. They know I only do it when I'm happy, when I want to capture a moment forever.

By snapping that moment, I feel as though I am bottling it up and saving it for later. For a rainy or stressful day...
As if I could uncork the bottle, and breathe in deep the smells of that moment, hear the sounds of their laughter again, feel the warmth of the sun shining on me through the window....
I can't store it in a bottle. But I can store it on my computer. And so, out the camera comes.
So one day, I can ask them, Do you remember that quilt I had on my bed, and how on sunny days the sunshine would brighten up the colors and make it soft and warm?
I hope with all my heart, they say Yes.

No Glass Bottle Would Be Big Enough, Anyway