High Heels And All

I wear many hats. Doula, friend, woman, advocate, activist, etc.

And of course, my most important hat: mother.

Lately the mother hat has been feeling a little big. Falling into my eyes, losing its shape and coming apart at the seams, to be more precise.

I went to sweep the kitchen floor, and realized it was the fifth time I did so today.

Small hands always reaching, grabbing and tugging on my sleeves. Begging for my attention.

Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy!

Same thing, day after day.

Sometimes, I want to play dress up, too. Think of myself as something other than a mother. Remember what it was like to have an identity separate from my children.

I like to believe that I'm good at not letting motherhood define me as a person. Just because I'm a mother, doesn't mean I have to give up who I am.

Sometimes it's just harder than others.

High Heels And All

Can I Add Maid To My List?

See that pregnancy ticker over in my sidebar? Yeah, that one.

The one that says we have 9 weeks left. Nine weeks!

Have I even started to prepare? No. So in the next few weeks, I will be busy washing baby clothes, super cleaning the house, and getting after the Knight to bring up the one piece of baby furniture that we will be using.

Oh, and of course, making my list of things I really need for this baby.

You can read more about my list over at MassMoms, where today I am writing about baby registries vs. what moms really need. Would love your comments!

Can I Add Maid To My List?

Poor Baby

I woke up at about 1 AM this morning to the sound of dog barking in my room.

Then I thought, wait a minute, we don't have a dog...

It was The Guppy, coughing her poor little lungs out with this racking, dry cough that raises the hair on the back of my neck whenever I hear it.

The rest of the night I was up with her, trying to get her comfortable enough so that she could sleep. She finally fell asleep around 6 AM, and slept until 8 AM, when she woke up and promptly got sick all over the bed.

She's gotten sick twice more since then and we are all just camping out in our pajamas, hoping it doesn't turn into something worse than a cough with a stomach bug thrown in for good measure.

How is it, that no matter how fast our children seem to be growing, that the minute they get ill they suddenly look so helpless and small again? I lay on the couch with The Guppy and hold her in my lap, stroking her back as her tiny body is racked in a coughing fit.

Mommy, will you lay with me all day? she asks me.

How can I not?

Poor Baby

Please Keep Beating...

I'm now officially in the second trimester of this pregnancy. Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks.

Kalei's heart stopped beating at 14 weeks.

I have an appointment with my midwife on Monday, and I am terrified. This fear creeps up on me at unexpected moments, seizing my heart and making it skip, leaving me gasping for breathe.

I heard this baby's heartbeat at 9 weeks (9 weeks!) and it was so strong and comforting. But then I remember how I had heard Kalei's heartbeat at 12 weeks, and how strong it was then and how it still stopped beating.

I keep telling myself not to worry, that we will hear a strong heartbeat and not that awful quiet and stillness like last time. That I will know my baby is doing well. That calms my fears for a while, but then it always comes sneaking back up on me again.

Please, little love of mine, let me know that you are okay. Let me hear the beautiful sound of life.

Please Keep Beating...

Having Kids Makes Life Exciting

Chris Bojhalian. Jodi Picoult. Gail Tsukiyami.

What do these authors have in common?

The answer is simply that they are quickly becoming my favorite authors. And I would not have discovered them, or their books, if I did not have children.

I'm over at MassMoms today, talking about how children have made my life more exciting, even in small ways, like in the books I read. Head on over and let me know what you think.

Having Kids Makes Life Exciting

Because Kids Don't Come With Instructions...

Any new mother out there reaches a point where they questions....questions about what to do in certain situations, questions about their own style of parenting, etc. I've found that there is no greater resource for a new mom than a mom who has been there, done that. Other mothers can offer great advice for whatever situation arises where you are unsure on the best course of action to take.

I believe that's why mother's groups are thriving all around the country; not only so moms can get out with their kids and interact with adults, but because mothers have learned to offer guidance and suggestions to one another.

However, for those times where another mother isn't available in person, MomCentral gave me the heads up on Mamapedia.

Mamapedia is a great source of information where you can ask questions and get answers from moms who have experience. From the website:

Mamapedia is your lifeline to millions of moms who’ve shared their real-world wisdom through local Mamasource online communities over the past two years. We compiled their answers, organized them by stage, and made them instantly searchable. We invite you to bookmark Mamapedia to find answers in a pinch, and to join your local Mamasource community so you can share what you’ve learned on your journey. And don't miss Mamapedia’s ever-expanding range of topics, including household, money, health, relationships, and many other things that moms are talking about.

Question about your teething baby? Want to know how to treat a diaper rash? Any question for any age, Mamapedia has the answer.

Because Kids Don't Come With Instructions...

Honoring The Real Woman's Body

Since I have stopped watching cable television, one thing I realized that I definitely don't miss is the ads that show perfect women with their perfect bodies that are perfectly made up and put together in their perfect clean homes.

Today's women are bombarded by ads on two levels: first, if your family isn't happy and joyful at all moments of the day, and if your house isn't perfectly clean and bright and sunny, then you are doing something wrong and you should not be happy until you buy their product.

The second message is, if you don't have a perfect body and if you don't wake up every day and put on a nice outfit and makeup and have perfect hair, then you are doing something wrong and you will only be happy when you buy their product.

I'm not talking about the ads that show young girls in size 4 walking on the beach in bikinis (although that certainly adds to the problem). I'm talking about moms on TV who are holding a 6 week old baby but are lacking the 6 week postpartum body. The message is: once you pop out your baby you should be able to squeeze right back into your size 4 pre-pregnancy jeans. No muffin-tops or postpartum bellies allowed, please!

Let's talk about real life: about wearing maternity jeans after pregnancy for a bit; about being so busy taking care of a newborn that you forget to shower for a day or two, never mind do your hair and makeup; about how pregnancy and giving birth is going to change your body. Even if you are a size 4 starting out and you are a size 4 after you give birth, there is still going to be changes. If it isn't weight gain it is stretch marks, or you might weigh the same but the weight sits differently on you now. It's going to be different and that's okay because that's real, that's life, and those changes are our badges of honor for bringing a new life into this world.

Women should be proud of their bodies, their stretch marks. I think this would be the case, except we are bombarded by these ads that cause us to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, and I think a lot of women are ashamed of their bodies and keep it hidden away as much as possible, when in fact it should be viewed as honorable and part of the essence of motherhood.

I can't be the only one who feels this way, can I?

Some links that I've read this week around this topic:

Midwives Honor The Sensuality of Pregnancy and Birth.
From the article:

The media reflects a lot of image confusion, resulting in pregnant women diminishing their desire to look pregnant. The social image of adopting a lean, masculine-looking body has influenced some pregnant women to try not to have any excess adipose tissue on them after birth. Our lean culture has pregnant women joining the obsession of calorie restriction and adopting eating disorders. This phenomenon has become so common that it must be screened for routinely during the prenatal health history. Superstars and models brag to the media about how much they exercise and the expertise of their personal trainers, who helped them reach their size two by their tenth postpartum day.

House Fairy wrote an awesome post that you must read on this entitled "Emerging From Underneath The Mountain of Capitalism's Misinformation"
From her post:

No wonder the tweens/teens gobble up the tabloids. They tell such a crisp and clean and linear and beginning-middle-end kind of a story, huh? Meet a hot dude, have an obnoxious wedding (or not, usually not) have a be-bop pregnancy with a tiny rounded shiny (what is that one about, btw?) tanning boothed belly--twins are hot right now, maybe try for twins--, and have a very mysterious birth with no details, prattle on about how you breastfeed and then appear on such and such red carpet such and such weeks afterwards with no baby in sight and unveil your new bod!The end!

And finally, if you haven't yet, please go visit The Shape of a Mother to see what real women look like.

It's one thing to diet and work to be thinner for health reasons, but to do it just to fit into our society's expectations on what women ought to look like? Something isn't right...

Honoring The Real Woman's Body

My Mother's Hand Me Downs

I've written about my mother before and what a great person she is. But I felt the need to tell her personally how I feel.

Dear Mom,


You gave many things to me, but the ones that stick out in my mind is: my looks; my stubbornness; my passion; my ability to stick to my instincts and decisions, even while being questioned by others; my love of horses; my sense of fun and adventure; and my sense of humour.


Most importantly, you have given me so many memories that I can cherish. Some of them of just "snatches of love", bits and pieces that I remember from every day life: like the feel of your hands in my hair when you plaited it; the way you woke me up in the morning; the way you tucked me in at night, and the way your perfume would linger in the air long after you kissed me goodnight and closed the door.

I also have very specific memories of you that I cherish. Here are just a few of my favorites:


When I was in my first horse show and my pony, Romeo, bucked me off 30 seconds after I entered the ring. I remember that of all the people that rushed into the ring, you were the first one there. I also remember how angry you were at Romeo. And mostly, I remember your gentle words and touch, encouraging me to get "back in the saddle", which I did (although on a different pony. It was a long time before you would trust Romeo again).


When I would write my short stories, and you would love them, no matter how ridiculous they were. You encouraged me to enter that short story contest, and comforted me when I didn't win (they obviously didn't know a good sci fi story when they saw one!).


When I would come home from school crying because I was made fun of, or didn't make the softball team, you would just wrap your arms around me and let me cry. Then you would convince me how stupid they were.


Later, when I was older and on a bigger horse and entered jumping competitions, I would get mad that you couldn't watch me jump. You would encourage me and cheer for me, but you could never watch the jumping classes. Now that I'm a mom, and I've seen what happens to kids who fall off and get trampled during the jumping competitions, I totally get it.


When I would overhear you bragging about me to other people, telling them excitedly about my latest accomplishments. Now that I look back, I wonder if you let me "overhear" on purpose. Either way, it did wonders for my self-esteem, so thank you.


You are a strong, beautiful woman, one of my best friends, and the best mother one could ask for. Happy Mother's Day!

My Mother's Hand Me Downs

Book Review: Who's Your Mama

Want to read a book about mothering that focuses on "real" mothers? Mother's who don't fall into the stereotypical big house with a white picket fence category?

Who's Your Mama: The Unsung Voices of Women and Mothers provides refreshingly raw and real accounts of women who face obstacles while in the process of becoming a mother, or in the journey of motherhood itself. Each of the stories lets the reader in on the author's most intimate beliefs, wishes, and realities as they explore motherhood while facing obstacles not described in other mothering books. Instead of focusing on the affluent married women that dominate other mothering books, Who's Your Mama lets readers relate to what the majority of women are facing today in our racially and economically diverse society. The author even includes stories of women who choose to be childless, in order for others to understand their choices and the obstacles that they face in a society that assumes all women want to give birth.

Many stories in this book made me cry and laugh, and I often found myself nodding my head in agreement. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants a dose of "real" mothering in today's world. Best of all, the book is divided into short stories, which is great for mothers, as we all know its hard to find the time to sit down and read a great novel in one sitting while our children are clamoring for attention! Bring it to your child's gym class, or read it while sitting next to the tub during "bath time". I promise you, it is well worth the read!

Book Review: Who's Your Mama