We're Not In Kansas Anymore

Last night was nerve-wracking, to say the least.

Up here in MA we got hit with several tornadoes. Four people are dead, 19 communities were affected.

The western half of the state was hit the hardest, especially in Springfield, MA.

The Knight was working, so it was just the kids and I and we spent all night hanging out in the basement. There was lightning, hail, thunder, and a tornado did touch down in our city (or so I'm told, haven't been able to confirm it yet) but thankfully, we were not hit.

Today the sun is shinning and the birds are singing, I'm hugging my children just a little tighter and keeping those affected by the storms in my thoughts.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

THUD

Yesterday The Tadpole fell down an entire flight of stairs :(

We spent most of the day in the ER, where The Tadpole had to be sedated so he could have a CAT scan. Thankfully he is absolutely fine.

We're all a little exhausted over here, trying to get back on schedule. It's hard to do, though, because I can't seem to stop snuggling with my little man.

THUD

Dizzy

You know those days that you have, where it feels like every ounce of your strength and will power is used just to keep your head above the water?

You get dizzy trying to stay afloat. Dizzy trying to keep your emotions in check, trying to get through the day.

I've had a few dizzy days weeks months that I've somehow managed to tread water through. It's been hard. But I'm still here.

I think at one point every blogger has had to decide how much to share. And we all settle in to our personal comfort zones, which is very varied among bloggers. I had found my comfort zone. But I'm about to expand it, just a little. So here goes:

My marriage is pretty much ending. It is hanging on by a thread.

There, I said it. It's out there now, for you all to see, dear friends. And while I'm not comfortable sharing the details (and they aren't important, anyway) I am comfortable sharing with you how scared I am. And shocked.

And dizzy.

But something else keeps happening, too. I get a call or an email from a friend. I feel the baby kick away happily inside me. I hear the girls' laughter as we get into a paint fight. (I didn't even mind cleaning that mess up). And this dizziness starts to flow away. And I start to look forward, not back.

And I start to hope. And it gets just a little bit easier, to reach for that courage.

Dizzy

Please Keep Beating...

I'm now officially in the second trimester of this pregnancy. Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks.

Kalei's heart stopped beating at 14 weeks.

I have an appointment with my midwife on Monday, and I am terrified. This fear creeps up on me at unexpected moments, seizing my heart and making it skip, leaving me gasping for breathe.

I heard this baby's heartbeat at 9 weeks (9 weeks!) and it was so strong and comforting. But then I remember how I had heard Kalei's heartbeat at 12 weeks, and how strong it was then and how it still stopped beating.

I keep telling myself not to worry, that we will hear a strong heartbeat and not that awful quiet and stillness like last time. That I will know my baby is doing well. That calms my fears for a while, but then it always comes sneaking back up on me again.

Please, little love of mine, let me know that you are okay. Let me hear the beautiful sound of life.

Please Keep Beating...