Five Years Of Loving Nourishment

When The Mermaid was born, The Knight and I were living out of state from the rest of my family. Although they really weren't so far away, I had never felt so alone in my life. I was a new mom, a mom who did not know much but I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I didn't know anyone else who had breastfed their baby. I didn't even know anyone else who had a baby; I was the first of my generation in the family and the first of my friends.

Despite my postpartum depression that went undiagnosed for almost A YEAR, I got through that tough time, mostly thanks to the Knight's unfailing love and support and one single phone call to a La Leche Leader whose name I don't remember but who will forever always be an angel in my heart. It also helped when my mother invited us to move in with her, so that I could get more help from my family and so we could start to put our finances back in order.

The Knight took this picture the morning after we moved into my mother's house. I love this picture. It fits our situation so perfectly; a little grey and blurry, and I look a little sad, but I was finally starting to feel better. There was optimism back in my life, and I was finally able to sit and nurse The Mermaid without stress and worry and just let my love for her flow over me.

I remember when The Mermaid was first born, I would sit up at night to nurse her and turn on MTV (this was before I smartened up and learned how to nurse lying down). At two in the morning, they always had the same 12 songs looped together to play over and over again. I don't remember all the songs, but I remember three: One Thing by Finger Eleven, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, and She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. I remember these songs because for two years afterwards, whenever one of these songs would come on the radio I would have huge letdowns.

I was proud of my body back then. Despite the fact that I had PPD, my breasts were full and nourishing my baby.

When The Guppy was born, things were completely different. We were still living with my mother, surrounded by love and support. I was a more confident mother, and I had had an amazing homebirth. Breastfeeding The Guppy had its bumps in the beginning, but soon we worked them out and it went smoothly.

Can you see the difference in this picture? I'm smiling. There's so much love in this picture, it is definitely a favorite of mine.

Time has passed quickly again and The Guppy is weaning. In fact, for two weeks she did wean before changing her mind, and she hasn't nursed at all the past two days. My breasts are no longer full; I no longer feel any letdowns. It is such a completely different feeling from when I had to be careful about which radio station I chose to listen to, to avoid hearing one of those three songs that would result in a soaking wet shirt.

At first, this made me terribly sad. But now, I feel pride. I'm proud of my body, and how it nourished and grew babies for over five years straight. And since The Knight and I want to have one more, I'm excited that I'm going to be able to witness those miracles again.

I can't wait.

Five Years Of Loving Nourishment