Journey

This journey has been very long and tiring for the whole family.

We did try to induce my labor at home with herbs. However, for some reason, my body refused to let go of the body. The herbs had no effect at all.

So, after being dumped by my first obgyn for asking too many questions and "questioning his authority", I found a wonderful and compassionate doctor who was willing to sit with me, answer all my questions, and discuss my options. After much discussion and inward-seeking, we chose to induce in the hospital.

My beautiful baby was born on February 26th at 5:50 PM. It was a boy. We named him Kalei, which means "beloved" in Hawaiian.

The hospital staff was simply amazing. They took pictures, little tiny footprints, and let me have all the time I wanted with him to say goodbye. We were able to take home the pictures, blankets, baby card, baby hospital wrist band, and other materials that they gave to us as mementos. We had the baby blessed and they put the holy water in a seashell during the blessing, then gave us the sea shell to take home as well. My mother and a couple of understanding and close friends were there to say goodbye as well.

Walking out of the hospital with a bag of mementos in my arms instead of a baby was really hard.

We are choosing to have him cremated, and a wonderful funeral home offered to do it at no cost. We have a catalogue of urns and keepsakes to choose from, and I can't seem to bring myself to pick one out. I'll probably leave that choice up to the Knight.

Physically I am feeling fine. Emotionally, I am having my ups and downs. But I am so incredibly grateful for the supportive friends and family members who has made this journey easier.

My Name @ Yahoo! Video

Journey

Thank You

Thank you so much to everyone and to our family and friends for their kind words and support. Right now the support we are receiving is what is keeping us going.

We've decided for personal reasons not to continue the process in the hospital. Instead, we are going to induce labor this weekend and give birth at home, as originally planned.

I'm not sure when I will feel up to posting again, so in the meantime, thanks again for all your support.

Thank You

My Dearest Baby,

I remember the second I first got an inkling that you existed. I was feeling off, not my usual self, and my stomach seemed to be sticking out more than usual. Staring at the positive pregnancy test, I was elated, excited, and overjoyed. Our family was going to be complete.

I was impatient and eagerly counted down the weeks until you were due to appear. Even two months of severe morning sickness did not decrease my enthusiasm.....8 weeks....12 weeks....14 weeks....18 weeks. So close to the midway point. Boxes of baby clothes from friends piled up in my room, waiting to be sorted through and used. We started to make exciting plans for the birth; who would be there, if I should give birth on the back porch in the nice warm weather, wanting to give birth in the water like with the Guppy.

Then, a curious glitch: the midwife had a hard time finding your heartbeat. She determined that you were an elusive baby; that the placenta was in the front, making it harder to find the heartbeat. Nothing really to worry about, but let's get an ultrasound done just to make sure.

I really didn't think I had anything to worry about. I was excited to be able to see you, to know what your gender was. After all, there were no signs that anything was wrong; no mother's intuition on my end that something wasn't right. So when the doctor started speaking in a solemn voice, the only thing I could manage to do was stare at you on the ultrasound screen and try to ignore the things he was saying.

"No movement.......no heartbeat....only measuring at 14 weeks.....so sorry....."

He was right, there was no movement. But I could see your beautiful form on the screen; your small head and round tummy; your little arms and legs; much smaller than you should have been but still so incredibly beautiful and still.

Should I have known that there was something wrong? Would a more intuitive, attentive mother sensed that something wasn't right instead of walking around for over four weeks with you passed away inside of her? Does it even matter? The pain would still be there, my heart would still be breaking, and I wouldn't have had that extra four weeks of sweet, blissful ignorance: time I spent imagining your birth and what you were going to look like, wondering what to name you, wondering when I would finally feel you move.

I don't even know if you were a boy or a girl. I wish I did know, I could give you a proper name. Would you have had brown hair like the Mermaid? Or would your hair have been lighter like the Guppy's? Would you have preferred to nurse on the right breast or the left? Would you have liked to be swaddled with your arms free or in the blankets? All these small things, these things that I took for granted in knowing about my children; I will never know them about you.

You aren't on this earth anymore, little angel. But you are forever and always in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. We weren't able to get to know each other, but we will someday. Until then, my angel....

Love,
Mommy

Just Because I'm Bored..

I was looking at my stats and I saw that someone found my blog by searching for "things a breastfeeding mother can take for a sore throat" on Google.

Seeing as I have had a sore throat all last week, I'm happy to provide the following remedy that works wonders: gargle apple cider vinegar, as strong as you can take it but you can water it down, and then swallow it. It tastes horrible but swallowing it actually helps with the pain.

It works. Really. Hope that helps.

Just Because I'm Bored..

Product Review: Green Works Wipes

In my family's effort to tread lightly, we try to avoid using disposable products and harsh chemicals whenever possible. However, as a mother of two young children and one on the way, I was aching for an easier and faster way to clean my kitchen and bathroom than the old cloth and spray bottle method I had been using.

That's why I was so glad when I was able to try out the new Green Works Wipes, thanks to Mom Central. I love that these wipes contain no harsh chemicals, and yet they are strong enough to get the job done. And I should know, I've been using them in my bathrooms and kitchens like crazy.

And although the wipes are disposable, I feel less guilty when I throw them in the trash because I know that they are biodegradable. I would recommend these wipes to anyone who is concerned about harsh chemicals and the environment, but like me, appreciates having something handy to clean up messes quickly when they are having "one of those days".

To learn more about Green Work's line of natural cleaners, you can check out their website here.

Product Review: Green Works Wipes

Shame on You, Enfamil

Enfamil has recently released a new "breastfeeding support kit" for those moms who want to breastfeed.

Honestly, the fact that they are purposely trying to sabotage a mother's breastfeeding effort has me so infuriated that I am at a loss of words.

So, rather than subject everyone to an angry tangent that would contain a lot of curse words, I'm going to suggest that you check out what Rixa wrote on her blog, and what House Fairy wrote on hers. They are so much more articulate than I am when angry.

For shame, Enfamil.

Shame on You, Enfamil

Coming Out of the Stone Age

When the Knight and I bought our new house, we were assured that the finished room in the basement, which was designated as the office, was heated.

Well, technically, it is heated. But in reality.....not so much.

You would think that as New Englanders we would be able to brave a chilly room in order to do important things like check email, blog, update Facebook status, and pay bills. And at first, I thought that I was just being a wimp because I wasn't able to stay down there for more than a half hour without giving up and coming upstairs. But when the Knight wasn't able to withstand more than forty minutes, I knew we needed to do something.

So, my wonderful mother lent us her laptop. And we bit the bullet and bought wireless internet.

I just got done paying the bills. In my nice, warm kitchen. Where I could keep an eye on the girls instead of running up and down stairs to check on every odd or dangerous sounding noise.

Technology is so nice. Now all I need is to get an MP3 player. A girl can dream, right?

So, I'm curious. What piece of technology can you not live without?

Coming Out of the Stone Age

It Feels Good To Be Loved

Last night my mother braved the cold to get me a salad that I had been desperately craving from a local pizza joint.

This morning, she showed up at my house with Dunkin Donuts and an open ear to hear me whine about being sick, about having no energy, and about being terrified of having to soon care for three little ones instead of just two.

It feels good to be loved.

Thanks, mom.

It Feels Good To Be Loved

Here We Go Again...

This morning I woke up with a stuffy nose and horribly sore throat.

This morning, the Guppy woke up with a stuffy nose, horribly sore throat, and a fever of 102.6.

This morning, I almost cried with relief when the Knight offered to stay home to help care for the Mermaid and to help get us sickies to the doctor.

This morning, I had to stifle my laughter when the Mermaid told her father "Oh, just give it up daddy!" when he was lecturing her on making a mess of her room. And here I thought she was four, not fourteen.

We're recovering, and soon I will post about my fantastic weekend and how I basked in the glory of being a Fantasy Football Champion.

Here We Go Again...