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One person I like. She is a loving, patient mother. Organized. Smart. Activist without judgement. Happy with her life and how everything has turned out. She looks forward to her future, her goals of being debt free, her career goals involving women and babies. She balances everything in her life, so nothing is neglected and yet nothing is utterly consuming. She is so very, very far from being perfect and she is totally okay with that, in fact considers it one of her strengths.
Most days, I think this person shines through. But some days....some days the other person seems to swell up and take over.
I don't like this other person. She scares me. She is impatient with the girls, yells at them. Slings insults at The Knight like rocks. Neglects important things in her day. Judges others without really knowing the full story. Moans and complains about her life, wishes things were different, then does nothing to change the things she doesn't like. She's insecure, and a little paranoid.
98% of the time, this person lies dormant inside me and causes no harm. But lately, for whatever reason, she's been coming up more than I would like. I'm not sure why, although The Knight has suggested that it is related to pregnancy hormones. Who knows.
I'm okay with this other person existing. She puts things in perspective for me. But I'm not okay with her coming up so often.
It does make me wonder, though, if I am alone in this. If there are two sides to everyone, maybe one that everyone tries to keep down and hidden. I think of it whenever a complete stranger is rude to me or my children, or some "idiot" cuts me off on the road and almost causes us to crash...yes, this person was a jerk to me in that moment...but should that define that person? Or is there another side?
Maybe everyone really does deserve a second chance?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...
4 comments:
You are not alone.. I am guilty of the same.. I'm glad to know I"M not alone.
thanks for being brave and sharing this.
You are certainly not alone! Since the birth of my third son (a year ago yesterday) I have become much more relaxed. I did develop postpartum depression when I went back to work, which has finally made an exit from my life, and since then I'm about 75% with this second identity who I too hate. I'll take 75% over the 98% any day!
This post put me to mind of a classic Star Trek episode called Mirror Mirror where Kirk is split into a light Kirk and an dark Kirk. While you might think it would be fabulous and we could ditch the darker side, it was that side of him (and all of us) that gave him the drive, the risk-taking, the passion to be the leader, the whole person who could make powerful and compassionate decisions. I think this is true for all of us: Without the darker side we would lack passion and drive which ressonate with our lighter, inspirational selves. We need both to make the beautiful music of our lives.
But don't believe for a moment, that I too, didn't wish I yelled at my kids any less!
I think all of us have our days when our"uglier" self shines through. Be it hormones, sleep deprivation, depression or just having an off day. There are 1,000 reasons why our "ugly self" may appear. But sometimes the transgression is just to big to give a second chance. In the words of Maya Angelou, "When people show you WHO they are, believe them the first time."
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