Sometimes I Wish I could Forget....

It's been one year.

But I still remember everything. And at times, the pain is so fresh that it feels like I'm reliving every moment.

I remember how callous the doctor was, as he said "yes, your baby is dead. Look, you can see his head is already caving in."

I remember how hurt and alone I felt when this same doctor dropped me from his care because I was "questioning his authority."

I remember sitting down at my kitchen table with phone in hand...calling doctor after doctor, and explaining through tears over and over again that my baby had died, my doctor had dropped me from his care, and I needed a new doctor. And listening over and over again as each doctor told me to just go to the ER.

I remember finally finding a doctor. A kind, compassionate woman who sat with us for over an hour to explain my options and completely let me lead the way when choosing how to deliver my baby.

I remember packing for the hospital, and being at a complete loss at what to bring.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table and knowing it was time to leave, and saying over and over again "I don't want to do this....I don't want to do this..."

I remember feeling the cytotec finally kick in, and thinking how all the websites lied, it did feel like full blown labor, in fact it felt worse than any other of my other labors!

I remember weeping into The Knight's shoulder through every contraction, saying over and over "This isn't fair, this isn't fair...."

I remember all this, and I wish I could forget.

But I remember other things, too.

I remember the compassion in my doctor's eyes, and how kind and patient the nurses were.

I remember how perfect and tiny his body was. I remember how the nurse didn't hesitate at all when taking his pictures, his footprints, his measurements.

I remember that they blessed him in the early morning, and how the soft lights and shadows made the ritual so peaceful.

I remember the sincerity on the funeral directors face, and how he wrote "no charge" at the bottom of our slip.

I remember knowing once and for all that I will NEVER take a healthy pregnancy for granted again.

I remember realizing that despite all that happened, I still have faith in my body's ability to carry and nourish a child.

And finally, I remember all the emails and cards the flooded in, some from people I didn't know, so many of them saying "It happened to me too". Reading their stories, stories that they probably haven't felt comfortable enough to share so openly in a long time, for in our culture discussing pregnancy loss is taboo.

And I remember feeling less alone. And then, stronger.

Yes, sometimes I wish I could forget. But Kalei is a part of our lives, our family. He has changed us for the good and bad.

I never knew that I could never know someone, and yet miss him so badly. But I know that he is still here with us, in one way or another.

We miss you, our little angel.

Sometimes I Wish I could Forget....