Need Some New Perspective (warning: long and rambling post ahead!)

After the Mermaid was born I suffered from horrible post partum depression. I sat on the couch all day in front of the TV, eating. I gained a ton of weight. I let the house get out of control. I only did the basics when it came to taking care of the Mermaid. Although I got a LOT better after the Mermaid hit five or six months, I still wasn't fully "healed" until she hit a year old.

The biggest regret of my life is that I didn't get help sooner. Because of my ignorance (I honestly didn't realize I was depressed) and stubbornness (when I finally did suspect it I did nothing about it) I missed out on some vital bonding time with the Mermaid. While I adore and love the Mermaid, we never had that special newborn baby and mother bond.

Fast forward to the Guppy's birth. I had explained to my midwife that I had suffered from PPD and she worked with me to help avoid it again. I think the homebirth in itself worked wonders towards that end. Another thing that helped was not allowing visitors to see the baby until a week had passed. That way, I had an entire week to sit and bond with the Guppy without worrying about having to entertain guests or without watching her being passed around. These two things, along with the amazing support that my midwife and husband gave me, kept the dark cloud of depression away.

But now I sense it's presence on the horizon.

Lately I've been in this horrible funk. I stopped caring about losing weight, about the house, etc. I'm eating more. I laugh less.

Yesterday we got the results back for our preapproval to buy a house. It's pretty much jack squat. Nothing is available around this area for such a low price range.

Yesterday the Knight and I had a fight, the first fight in a very very long time. He gets upset when he sees me upset. I think it's because it brings back memories of when I was depressed. He gets angry at himself for not being able to fix everything right away. I get angry because I don't think he should feel like he has to be superman all the time.

I hate fighting with the Knight.

I need a new perspective. So we can't get a house right now. So what? We will eventually. Instead of thinking of what I don't have, I need to think of what I do. I have...
...two beautiful, healthy children, both happy.
...an amazing husband who does everything he can to encourage me to follow my dreams and passions
...a roof over my head with supportive family near by.
...a goal for the future, where we pay off our remainging debt and get a house.
...my health.
Somewhere tonight, someone is standing by their child's hospital bed, watching them die. Somewhere tonight, someone is filing a divorce against their spouse, ending their dream of a happy marriage. Somewhere tonight, someone is waiting in line to get a spot at a shelter. Somewhere tonight, someone is trying to figure out how to get through the week, never mind thinking about the future. Somewhere tonight, someone is sick and wondering what is going to happen to their loved ones after they die.

I will not let this cloud hang over me. I'm going to start exercising more, taking care of myself more, and I'm also going to try some herbal treatments for mild depression. I will not let my children wonder why Mommy doesn't want to get out of bed, or why Mommy won't play with them, or why Mommy won't read to them.

I will do everything in my power to overcome this. I will show my girls that you don't need to have a big house, or other material possessions, to be happy. You just need the love and support of friends and family.

Need Some New Perspective (warning: long and rambling post ahead!)