A Kiss For My Baby

I went to my appointment yesterday full of anxiety.

When it came time to listen to the baby's heartbeat, my heart leaped into my throat. As my midwife moved the doppler probe around my belly, I stared out the window and prayed.

My midwife searched for the heartbeat...and searched...and searched. She added more gel to the doppler probe and tried again. More minutes ticked by.

I became convinced that there was no heartbeat.

My midwife looked at my face and smiled. "Don't worry, I haven't given up. Don't give up yet." she said.

And then, suddenly, there it was. Strong. Reassuring. Beautiful.

My midwife and I looked at each other and smiled. And then I burst into tears.

My midwife took my hand and held it as I cried in relief. She wiped the doppler gel of my belly, then leaned over and gave the baby a kiss. I think I will love her forever for that.

Because I was so anxious about the baby, my midwife suggested that I come in again in two weeks instead of the usual four, so I can hear the heartbeat again sooner.

I slept last night with both hands hugging my baby, a smile on my face.

Thank you so much, my little belly bean, for showing me how strong and well you are.

A Kiss For My Baby

Please Keep Beating...

I'm now officially in the second trimester of this pregnancy. Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks.

Kalei's heart stopped beating at 14 weeks.

I have an appointment with my midwife on Monday, and I am terrified. This fear creeps up on me at unexpected moments, seizing my heart and making it skip, leaving me gasping for breathe.

I heard this baby's heartbeat at 9 weeks (9 weeks!) and it was so strong and comforting. But then I remember how I had heard Kalei's heartbeat at 12 weeks, and how strong it was then and how it still stopped beating.

I keep telling myself not to worry, that we will hear a strong heartbeat and not that awful quiet and stillness like last time. That I will know my baby is doing well. That calms my fears for a while, but then it always comes sneaking back up on me again.

Please, little love of mine, let me know that you are okay. Let me hear the beautiful sound of life.

Please Keep Beating...

Learning With Friends

This year in homeschooling I find myself moving a little farther away from workbooks and worksheets and more to hands on learning through activities. I've done this mostly because I've noticed that while the Mermaid loves to learn using both activities and workbooks, the Guppy is not fond of workbooks at all.

In fact, I think they rather bore her.

We've also joined a homeschool co-op made up of five families with kids from ages 2-6. We meet every other week, and the girls look forward to these get-togethers with great excitement and enthusiasm. I love that the girls are learning to interact with children of different ages, and that they are building lasting friendships with a regular group of children. I also love that since all the moms take turns leading each session, they get to learn from a different "teacher" every week, each with her own style.

These pictures are from our second session, when the children painted gourds, measured a pumpkin and took out the seeds to cook.

At yesterday's session, the kids learned about composting, seasons, harvesting, and made homemade apple sauce.

Even though we've only had three sessions, the children already act as if they are best friends. They care for one another, looking out for the younger children and making sure each child has a fair turn to participate in the activities.

Yesterday, after we left the meeting and got home, the Mermaid tugged at my hand until I bent over so she could whisper into my ear: I'm so glad I met all my new friends, Mommy. I love them so much!

I can't wait to see what the coming year brings!

Learning With Friends

These Quiet Moments

My dearest Guppy,

This letter is very much overdue, as your third birthday was over a month ago. Even back then, it didn't seem real. You were still the same delicate, sensitive two year old that you had been all year. Even now, over a month later, there are times that I forget that you are now three.

But little by little, I sense the small changes that have come over you. These small changes have been just enough to prove to me that yes, you are in fact getting older.

You still seem so delicate and fragile. But at times, a new streak of stubbornness shows through. Many times, instead of doing what I say without question as you have done in the past, you instead crossed your little arms over your chest and boldly told me "No!"

You interact more with other children. When you used to play quietly in the corner by yourself, you now jump into the games and chaos with all the other children. You boldly assert yourself, telling others what you don't like and what is okay.

You talk a lot more. And surprisingly, you reveal how much you observe during learning time. Your learning style is so different from the Mermaid's that for a while, I wondered if you were really learning anything at all. You are modest and quiet with your learning, compared to the Mermaid. While she loves to walk around and talk and sing about what she learned, you keep it all quietly inside you, until you bring it out in the most random moments to astonish us all.

Still, despite this new boldness and stubbornness within you, you still retain that delicate and sensitive quality that the Mermaid has abandoned by this age. You still like to cuddle with me, and give me kisses. You still like to be near me, in my arms if possible. You still bury your head in my shoulder or hide behind my legs when you see something that makes you nervous.

This morning I woke up early and rose to start my day. You instantly sat up, groggy with sleep and trying to keep your eyes open. But you wouldn't go back to sleep unless I was laying with you. When I tried to convince you, you simply threw your arms around my neck and said But I need you, Mommy.

Even though there were a lot of things to be done, I lay back down with you a little longer. Because there will come a day soon, when you won't need me anymore. So I resolve to enjoy these quiet moments of cuddling while I still can.

Happy (belated) Birthday, Guppy. We love you so much.

These Quiet Moments

Back For Good

I'm back.

Sorry for the random disappearance, I had computer issues, morning sickness issues, and generally my-life-is-crazy issues.

But we got our new laptop in yesterday and things have calmed down somewhat. So I'm back. I've got lots of things to write about, including our trip to the circus and the Guppy's three year letter (which is now over a month late. I know, I'm a horrible mother, and she is going to be traumatized for life).

So if you are still around, thank you. And stick around. Because I'll be writing much more frequently.

(Also, thank you to the readers who wrote me emails expressing concerns over my absence. Because of my computer issues, I wasn't able to answer them, but it was very thoughtful of you all).

Back For Good

My Thoughts on The Nestle Family Event.

As most of you know, I currently boycott Nestle. I'm not going to go into ALL the details of why in this post, but it basically involves the fact that Nestle has horrible unethical business practices, and these practices lead to the deaths of infants. For more information on the boycott itself, I urge you to visit Baby Milk Action and read up on why Nestle is one of the most boycotted companies in the world.

Recently Nestle invited a group of prominent bloggers to come to California on an all-expense paid trip and participate in study panels. I was shocked and disappointed for two reasons: 1. some bloggers claimed not to know about Nestle's unethical practices and the 30 year boycott and 2. some bloggers did, and seemed not to care.

As a blogger, it is your responsibility to be diligent about the companies that you choose to represent on your blog, whether it be through product reviews, advertisements, or giveaways. It's as simple as that. Even if you truly did not know about the Nestle boycott, how hard is it to Google Nestle and take a look at what comes up? Or to even Google Nestle ethics? This information is NOT hard to find, especially since the Nestle boycott is supported by so many people and organizations.

Once these bloggers had the facts of the Nestle boycott and Nestle's unsavory practices brought to their attention, I watched as many remained indifferent. This, I cannot understand. I heard so many excuses from them, as they parroted the Nestle PR people and talked about the small things that Nestle in doing in Africa. People, this is not a corporation that simply provides crappy health insurance and low wages to its employees; we are talking about a company who uses slave labor, whose unethical practices contribute to the death of infants, and who participates in many other transgressions that are just as unbelievably unethical. I love the post over at The Curvature, who goes into more details about the degrees of evil issue, I strongly encourage you to read it. Nestle is an evil corporation. And after finding out the facts, and learning about Nestle's transgressions, it continues to be beyond me how bloggers can continue to support the company and accept free candy and food.

There were some bloggers who claim that they knew of Nestle's transgressions and still went participated in the event in order to "open up a dialogue" and "ask Nestle the hard questions". Out of all the reasons to participate, this reason is the one I understand the least.

Nestle has been one of the most boycotted companies for over 30 years. 30 years!! Organizations such as Baby Milk Action and The International Baby Food Action Network have been trying that whole time, to "open up a dialogue" with Nestle. Time and time again, Nestle has refused to answer their questions, or even debate with them. For heaven's sake, we are talking about a company that faced criminal charges and has had lawsuits brought against them by governments. Still. they refused to listen, and to answer the hard questions.

So, I ask you this: do you honestly believe that a company who has been boycotted so strongly for so long, that has faced global organizations and refused to budge, that has faced criminal and civil charges brought against it by governments, do you think a company that has done all this gives a damn about having a dialogue with you? Especially when you are accepting free gifts and plane rides from them at the same time? Or building candy crafts?

Please. Give me a break.

Accepting free stuff from them and building candy crafts from them and shopping in their store is not showing them that you are concerned over their business practices. Every time you work with them, every time you buy one of their products, you are putting money in their pockets. You are supporting them, and therefore what they do. So please, don't try to hide your desire for free stuff and attention behind "trying to open a dialogue" excuse. I don't buy it.

If you want to let them know you don't like their practices, join the boycott. Support Baby Milk Action. Write them letters. But stop holding your hands out for free stuff. I find that disgusting.

Am I being harsh? Maybe. But if in reality, you just don't care about Nestle's practices because you like their candy too much, own up to it. Don't try to hide behind excuses.

Other great thoughts about this issue:
PhD in Parenting's open letter to the bloggers.
Blacktating's post on Nestle Family, Bloggers, and Race: Why It Matters
Nestle Corporate Crimes

My Thoughts on The Nestle Family Event.

Still Here.

I admit, I started to disappear back into my room for a bit. Morning sickness reared its ugly head, and I soon began to avoid eating so that I wouldn't have to spend the next two hours dry heaving into the toilet.

Gross, I know. And depressing.

Thankfully I found out about a medication that could help. This is my second day on it and what a difference!!

I am so thankful that I only lost two weeks of my life to the dreaded morning sickness, instead of two months like with my previous pregnancies.

That's my update. Things I plan on writing about soon: the Guppy's birthday letter (yes, it is WAY overdue), and my thoughts on the Nestle Family Event.

Still Here.