Having Kids Makes Life Exciting

Chris Bojhalian. Jodi Picoult. Gail Tsukiyami.

What do these authors have in common?

The answer is simply that they are quickly becoming my favorite authors. And I would not have discovered them, or their books, if I did not have children.

I'm over at MassMoms today, talking about how children have made my life more exciting, even in small ways, like in the books I read. Head on over and let me know what you think.

Having Kids Makes Life Exciting

Wordless Wednesday: Sleepy, Sleepy Princess

She's a princess from dawn to dusk, and isn't afraid to let you know. But this morning, she was very sleeepppyyyy....

For more Wordless Wednesday, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

Wordless Wednesday: Sleepy, Sleepy Princess

Remembering Kalei

This past Saturday, the Knight and I held a small ceremony to remember Kalei. My mother, her boyfriend, and a dear friend were also present.

We lit a baby blue candle in a candle holder shaped like a baby shoe and then each held small white candles and went around and each said something nice. We were on the back deck the whole time and the weather was beautiful, the sun was warm and the breeze was causing the leaves on the trees to move and whisper....a perfect atmosphere.

After we blew out the candles we sat around and talked and had a discussion about how our culture has a hard time accepting death, especially when it happens to babies. I think that is a large reason for the silence in our culture surrounding pregnancy and infant loss....people get uncomfortable when talking about it, or even acknowledging that it is a real loss.

Afterwards we drove up to my grandmother's grave and spread a small amount of his ashes there. I felt good about that, knowing that now not only are they together spiritually but physically as well.

My mother was carving a stone for me to put in our garden with his name and date of birth, but it cracked when she was halfway finished. So, she gave me a nice tablet with a quote instead to put in the garden until she can get the stone finished.

All in all, I felt really good about the entire day. The ceremony just felt so peaceful and "right" to me, and I was really happy that we decided to do it.

Remembering Kalei

Don't Want To Let Go...

Today is July 4th, Independence Day.

It was also my due date with Kalei.

Today, instead of going to my IL's cookout, the Knight and I are going to hold a small ceremony. We're going to spread some of his ashes on my grandmother's grave, so that they can be together both physically and spiritually. We're also going to spread a small amount in our backyard, so he can be with the girls when they play outside. The rest we will keep, in the heart-shaped urn in our living room.

I'm grieving, yes. But mostly I feel anger. I heard his heartbeat at 12 weeks, and it was perfect. Why the f*ck did it stop beating? What the f*ck happened?

I know that he probably would not have been born today, with my history of being at least 7 days "late". He probably would have sat, safe and snug, in my belly for at least another week.

I should be at that cookout today. With my big belly and swollen ankles, sitting in a chair and holding a glass of water, hoping that someone else will push the Guppy on the swing because there would be no way I could get out of that chair without the use of a crane. There should be boxes of supplies for the homebirth set up at home. Instead there are boxes of baby stuff that were given to me by friends, still sitting in my bedroom because I still cannot bring myself to put them away in storage.

I'm angry, at myself and at God. But then I think about those two weeks that I carried him, after we found out that he had died. I remember how sometimes, when I was just waking up, in the funny stage between sleep and being awake, I would actually forget that he had died and I would think that I felt him kick. At the time I thought that it was so cruel, that moment of forgetfulness. But now? Now I wonder if that was God's way of letting me know that Kalei was, and is, still with us.

After all, isn't it in those moments of stillness, those moments of quiet transition, when our guard is down and our minds are open, that we are most able to hear His voice?

Don't Want To Let Go...

You Capture: Photographer's Choice

This week's You Capture Challenge is Photographer's Choice. For this challenge, I wanted to capture something beautiful. That's when I realized how beautiful life is, and how there is beauty in even every day life. So, I decided to capture my day in pictures, to help remind myself that the special moments are the ones that are unplanned and often, forgotten.

Here goes:

My day begins at 3:10 AM, when I get up for my paper route. I am oh, so tired and when the alarm goes off, I always think "I am crazy." But, once I start moving around, it isn't so bad.
Half way done with my route, and the sun isn't up yet, but it comes up while I'm driving and I get to watch the world come alive. Every single one of these papers represents another step close to being debt free.
Home from my route; the sun is up and while it isn't raining, it is still wet out.
Getting ready for the day. Note to self: when telling a 2.5 year old to put on her socks, you must specify that she should put them on her feet!
The three of us, finally ready for the day. Yes, we have matching hair styles, and no, I didn't plan it that way. But when the Mermaid insists on it, well...pick your battles, is what I say.

We head out to go grocery shopping and my sister decides to join us. Unexpected visit with sister? Score!

At the grocery store. It slows me down a little when I take them, but I can't imagine leaving them at home. Shopping with their sweet smiles in my sight makes it so much more fun!

The Mermaid decides I'm taking too long and entertains herself by doing yoga in the middle of the aisle. Luckily, the store was nearly empty.

We get home, my sister heads out, and I put the girls down for a nap. While downstairs in the office, I thought I heard the Guppy up, but it got quiet again so I thought I imagined it. That's when I went upstairs and saw that the Guppy had gone into the fridge and eaten the rest of the shredded cheese.

I found the culprit sleeping soundly on the recliner. How could I stay frustrated when I saw that angelic face?
She doesn't care that it's wet out, she wants to go play outside! And after 4 weeks straight of rain, I don't blame her!
Exciting moment of the day: Daddy comes home! "Smile, I'm blogging this!!"
The Knight gets the girls ready for bed and the Mermaid comes to give me a kiss goodnight. I ask her to remember to say her prayers and she gives me this look, as if to say "I know, Mom! I know!"

An hour later, and I sneak into her room only to discover that she isn't sleeping at all, she's "reading" in bed. A girl after my own heart.

Finally, my bed time. I try to be in bed by 8:30 PM the latest. Early to bed, early to rise, and all that crap. At least it's temporary, I miss my late nights!

So, that was my day. It was ordinary. It was unremarkable.

It was beautiful.

For more You Capture, visit I Should Be Folding Laundry

You Capture: Photographer's Choice

Moments That I Kick Myself For Not Having A Camera!

Have I ever said before that I think my girls are so cute?

Because they are so cute.

Sometimes I wish I had a microchip implanted in my eye that would enable me to snap pictures and record at will whatever I see. Weird, I know. But I haven't gotten into the habit yet of carrying my camera everywhere with me, and it's those adorable moments in an ordinary day that I really want to capture.

Take last Friday, for example. We went to the library as usual, but this time the girls asked if they could get their own library cards. So we waited in line patiently (seriously, did the ENTIRE CITY really have to decided to pick that same day to get library cards?) until finally it was our turn. I filled out the forms and signed the Guppy's card for her while the Mermaid proudly signed the back of hers and off they went, picking out books and movies and more books. Then thy both proudly walked out to the counter and proudly informed the checkout lady that they were here to check out their very! own! books! All by themselves! With their very! own! library card!

Meanwhile, I stood off to the side, trying not to be the jerk that cries in the library.

Yesterday, I took the girls to their very first dance class. Again, stupidly forgot my camera. I almost became the first person in history to die from overexposure to cuteness. I was worried that the Guppy, who is much more timid and shy than the Mermaid, wouldn't like the class. Turns out she was the first one in the door, and although she was the youngest child, she kept up with the rest of them and was able to follow directions well.

This time, I didn't do so well at not being the crying jerk.

We left dance class and went directly to my Weight Watchers meeting (3 months on WW and I've only lost 6lbs. Is this the slowest weight loss ever?) and on the way home I called a friend to tell her I lost 1.4lbs. Well, the Mermaid heard me from the back and misunderstood; she promptly told me, "We're not lost, Mommy! I can get us home!" Seriously? We weren't even in our city yet, so I was thinking, No Way. But, out of curiosity, I told her yes I'm lost and that she could tell me how to get home.

So she did.

At four years old, and she could already take the place of my best friend, The GPS. As someone who gets lost in parking lots for heaven's sake, this just blows me away.

Have your kids done anything lately to surprise you, or create a moment that you will forever cherish?

Moments That I Kick Myself For Not Having A Camera!

Wordless Wednesday: Hug Me, I'm Cute!

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Wordless Wednesday: Hug Me, I'm Cute!