Close Your Eyes...and Jump

Yesterday we had another beautiful gorgeous day and the Knight decided that a little water fun was in order.

He broke out the Slip and Slide that someone bought for the girls a while back, the one that we haven't had a chance to use yet because it was only our fourth sunny day since May (those of you in New England know exactly what I'm talking about). The three of them put their bathing suits on and I sat out on the deck to watch the fun.

The Guppy was content on splashing her feet in the little pool at the end of the slide, but we could all tell that the Mermaid really wanted to slide. Splashing in some pool was not enough for her today, oh no, she wanted to slide fast and furious!

But she was also afraid. The Knight patiently demonstrated how to run, jump and slide over and over again. The Mermaid did all right on the running start but when it came time to jump she would lose her nerve and just run off to the side.

Normally we wouldn't push her in any way, but it was obvious that she wanted to jump and slide. So finally, the Knight knelt so that he was eye level with her, and told her that she could just close her eyes and jump, and trust him to not let her get hurt. She nodded and began her run to the slide. I watched as she shut her eyes tightly....then jumped.

She slid down the slide, and by the time she got to the end her eyes were open with delight and she was laughing. She happily spent the next 1.5 hours running, jumping, and sliding to her delight.

How many times have I been in a situation where I wanted so badly to accomplish something, but one little fear made me stop or hesitate? Or worse, how many times have I found myself succeeding in my goals, but one little comment made me start to doubt myself and lose focus?

I've been feeling a lot of doubt lately. Doubt about my abilities as a homeschooling mom, about my abilities as a wife, as a person with her own goals in life. Was I just wasting my time, striving for these goals?

This doubt, this fear, has halted my progress in all my goals these past two weeks. I've become distracted and unfocused. But watching the Mermaid close her eyes and jump, watching her have complete trust in her father, made me realize that I have a Father that I could put complete trust in as well.

I'm at edge. The ride ahead looks wonderful and exciting. All I have to do now is close my eyes...and jump.

Close Your Eyes...and Jump

Don't Want To Let Go...

Today is July 4th, Independence Day.

It was also my due date with Kalei.

Today, instead of going to my IL's cookout, the Knight and I are going to hold a small ceremony. We're going to spread some of his ashes on my grandmother's grave, so that they can be together both physically and spiritually. We're also going to spread a small amount in our backyard, so he can be with the girls when they play outside. The rest we will keep, in the heart-shaped urn in our living room.

I'm grieving, yes. But mostly I feel anger. I heard his heartbeat at 12 weeks, and it was perfect. Why the f*ck did it stop beating? What the f*ck happened?

I know that he probably would not have been born today, with my history of being at least 7 days "late". He probably would have sat, safe and snug, in my belly for at least another week.

I should be at that cookout today. With my big belly and swollen ankles, sitting in a chair and holding a glass of water, hoping that someone else will push the Guppy on the swing because there would be no way I could get out of that chair without the use of a crane. There should be boxes of supplies for the homebirth set up at home. Instead there are boxes of baby stuff that were given to me by friends, still sitting in my bedroom because I still cannot bring myself to put them away in storage.

I'm angry, at myself and at God. But then I think about those two weeks that I carried him, after we found out that he had died. I remember how sometimes, when I was just waking up, in the funny stage between sleep and being awake, I would actually forget that he had died and I would think that I felt him kick. At the time I thought that it was so cruel, that moment of forgetfulness. But now? Now I wonder if that was God's way of letting me know that Kalei was, and is, still with us.

After all, isn't it in those moments of stillness, those moments of quiet transition, when our guard is down and our minds are open, that we are most able to hear His voice?

Don't Want To Let Go...

She is My Sunshine

I can't seem to stop smelling the top of the Guppy's head today. I don't know how it's possible, but she always smells like sunshine.

Today it is raining. I find that my emotions are tied closely with the weather, so I know that it's going to be a little more of a "downer" day for me. I also know that I will be fine because of the Guppy.

This girl keeps me going no matter what. She's so laid back and compassionate and curious and easy going. I can take her anywhere, and I normally do. I honestly think she wakes up every morning and thinks, "How many people can I make laugh today?"

I remember when she was a baby, I was always sniffing the top of her head because I love that "new baby smell". It gradually began to go away, but it was replaced by a much nicer smell: the smell of sunshine. The Guppy loves it when I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to her, and whenever I smell the top of her head I am reminded of how much that is true; she is my sunshine, my beacon of light, my laughing fairy, my wishing star.

How can a child smell like sunshine? I don't know. Maybe, when He was creating the Guppy, He have her that special scent, because He knew that on a rainy day, Sunshine is something that I could not get enough of to keep me going.

I know the Guppy is waiting patiently for me to finish publishing this post. She somehow senses that on rainy days, I need extra cuddles and extra laughs. I know once I hit publish and get up from the table, she will run up to me with arms open wide, a smile lighting her face. She and I will cuddle on the couch, and bask in the sunshine.

It's going to be a good day.

She is My Sunshine

Dealing With the Guilt

On my journey to find my faith, I think my biggest obstacle that I face is something that I, and other Catholics that I have spoken to, call the Catholic Guilt.

Growing up, I heard the same things over and over again. If you don't go to church, you go to Hell. If you don't confess your sins, you go to Hell. If you aren't baptized, you go to Hell.

Those are the things I heard in the church and in my catholic school. However, my mother added on a few of her own: Don't use the Ouija board; you'll go to Hell. Don't buy that statue of Buddha, that's blasphemy and you'll go to Hell. Don't have anything to do with witchcraft, you'll go to Hell.

Do I really believe that doing those things will automatically slot a space for me in Hell? No. I only went to church through the school. I never went to confession: I hated the thought of having to confess my sins to a priest when I felt I could talk to God myself. I used a Ouija board, and I even bought that statue of Buddha. While the Mermaid is baptized, the Guppy is not, and I don't believe that she is going to go to Hell.

However, there is always that lingering thought in the back of my mind called Just in Case. Should I get the Guppy baptized, Just in Case? Should I ditch the Buddha statue, Just in Case? Should we start to attend church again, Just in Case?

One other message that I grew up with was that the Catholic Church is The Way. No other church is accepted as The Way, so if you wanted salvation and you wanted to go to Heaven, going Catholic is The Way. And if you converted to another religion, well, you lost your ticket and your seat on The Way and you were most likely going to Hell.

Now, I know that there are a lot of Catholic churches and Catholic families out there that go through life without sending/receiving these messages, but this was my personal experience as I was growing up and it instilled in me The Catholic Guilt and the permanent presence of Just in Case.

It's the presence of these two feelings and thoughts in me that keeps me from fully exploring my spirituality. For example, I would really love to further explore Buddhism and Wiccan. From what I know of these two faiths, they really speak to the values I hold as a person. But whenever I go to research it further, or I feel a pull inside of me that makes me think one of these faiths is right for me, The Catholic Guilt and Just in Case pops up and keeps me from completely diving in.

Catholic Guilt: OMGoodness, you want to look into another religion? That's Blasphemy and you could go to Hell!
Just in Case: I agree! Maybe you should stick to the Catholic church, just in case.

And so, it seems that if I want to continue on my journey of faith, then I must first deal with my guilt, and my self-doubt.

Dealing With the Guilt

More Thoughts On God

A little over a year ago I wrote a post describing my religious background and how I am struggling to regain my faith.

I am sad to say that I am no closer to finding God than I was one year ago.

One reason I started this blog was because it is incredibly helpful for me to sort my thoughts out by typing them out. I did keep diaries when I was younger, but to me there was nothing special about writing down your thoughts only to close the cover and keep them secret from everyone. I find it so enlightening and inspiring when I share my thoughts through a blog, when I know that someone is out there reading what I write and really getting to know who I am. Some readers might not like what I write, some might be nodding their heads in agreement, it doesn't matter. Writing to an audience really helps me to say what I am really thinking and feeling before I even know myself what I am thinking and feeling.

So, I've decided to bring my search for God into my blog here and there. I think that by blogging my journey, not only will it help me realize how I am really feeling or really thinking, but it will help keep me focused and on track. So, I hope you don't mind coming along for the occasional ride in my journey towards faith. As always, comments, suggestions, and encouragement is welcomed.

More Thoughts On God

Finding God

This post has been weighing on my mind for a while now but it's taken me a long time to sort out my thoughts enough to type them out. I'm not sure if they are sorted out enough, so bear with me.

A little background: My mother was Catholic, my father a non-practicing Protestant. My parents were married in a Protestant church because the Catholic church wouldn't marry them due to my father being a Protestant. I was baptized in a Catholic Church and also received my First Communion. After my parent's divorced, the Catholic Church would not allow my mother to be a God Mother to my cousin because she was divorced. My mother then married my ex-step father, who was also Catholic. For a while we did go to church every Sunday, but with five kids it's hard to calm everyone down enough to sit through a service, so mostly we just went on the holidays. By high school we weren't going at all, but I did go to a Catholic High School so I still attended Mass periodically through the school. The Knight is protestant and we were married by a Protestant minister. The Mermaid was baptized in a Catholic church and eventually the Guppy will be as well. However, I never took confirmation within the church because I had serious issues with how the church operated as an institution. So that is my religious background.

Somewhere along the way, I think I lost faith. I'm not sure at what point, and I'm not sure why, but I just stopped feeling God's presence in my life. I stopped praying and talking to Him. And I hate it. I want to be able to have God in my life again. I want to find God.

I have been trying to find God for about a month now. I started praying again, trying to feel His presence in my life. But it hasn't happened yet. My prayers feel hollow to me, almost forced. And I can't seem to bring myself to have a true conversation with Him yet. But I'm going to keep trying. I know that this will be a longer journey than I originally thought, but I am hoping that I will learn a lot about myself in the meantime. And who knows? Maybe in the end, I'll discover that He was right here all along, waiting for me to find myself.

Suggestions, advice, and encouraging comments are more than welcome :o)

Finding God