Don't Want To Let Go...

Today is July 4th, Independence Day.

It was also my due date with Kalei.

Today, instead of going to my IL's cookout, the Knight and I are going to hold a small ceremony. We're going to spread some of his ashes on my grandmother's grave, so that they can be together both physically and spiritually. We're also going to spread a small amount in our backyard, so he can be with the girls when they play outside. The rest we will keep, in the heart-shaped urn in our living room.

I'm grieving, yes. But mostly I feel anger. I heard his heartbeat at 12 weeks, and it was perfect. Why the f*ck did it stop beating? What the f*ck happened?

I know that he probably would not have been born today, with my history of being at least 7 days "late". He probably would have sat, safe and snug, in my belly for at least another week.

I should be at that cookout today. With my big belly and swollen ankles, sitting in a chair and holding a glass of water, hoping that someone else will push the Guppy on the swing because there would be no way I could get out of that chair without the use of a crane. There should be boxes of supplies for the homebirth set up at home. Instead there are boxes of baby stuff that were given to me by friends, still sitting in my bedroom because I still cannot bring myself to put them away in storage.

I'm angry, at myself and at God. But then I think about those two weeks that I carried him, after we found out that he had died. I remember how sometimes, when I was just waking up, in the funny stage between sleep and being awake, I would actually forget that he had died and I would think that I felt him kick. At the time I thought that it was so cruel, that moment of forgetfulness. But now? Now I wonder if that was God's way of letting me know that Kalei was, and is, still with us.

After all, isn't it in those moments of stillness, those moments of quiet transition, when our guard is down and our minds are open, that we are most able to hear His voice?

Don't Want To Let Go...