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Friday we found out that a friend of ours died. She was only 25. Her daughter is 6 months old. Her and her husband had moved into their new house only a week and a half ago. When I heard the news, I felt my heart break. How can it be that one day you are making plans with someone to take your children to the zoo, and the next they are just...gone?
Then I found out about two other devastating, life changing events that had occurred to two other people close to me in my life. My heart broke even more.
The Guppy is teething, and she has a cold. The Mermaid is feeling neglected (rightly so) and is acting out as a result. I can not put the Guppy down to do anything without her screaming at me. I can't even go to the bathroom alone. Normally, I wouldn't mind. I understand that she is only 8 months old and is in pain from her teeth and is sick, and I would gladly hold her 24/7. I would gladly set some time aside for the Mermaid and I to do something special together, I would be glad to sit and talk to her through one of her tantrums. But I just can't do it this week. I find myself losing patience with both my girls, and snapping at my Knight. I can't be a good Mommy right now. And it just adds to my grief.
This is what I want to do: I want to lock myself alone in a room, without having to listen to the Guppy scream because her mommy has just left the room without her and without having to listen to the Mermaid yell and kick the walls in frustration because she can't seem to get my attention this week. Then I want to cry. I want to cry long and loud without worrying about upsetting the girls. I even want to be able to throw things in anger. Then when I am all cried out, I want to bury myself under the covers and sleep for an entire day.
I want to grieve.
But instead, my guilt doesn't allow it. I know that this is one of those times that my needs have to come first for once, but I do have a guilt complex. I always put my girls first. And so, I will put on a fake smile for the girls. I will play with them like nothing has happened, like the lives of three people whom I care about did not just get devastated this week. I will grieve silently.
I really, really wish I didn't have a guilt complex.
5 comments:
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I am very sorry for your loss. For all the hardships you're facing right now.
In a way I can relate. When we miscarried last year, I felt horrible grieving in front of my son. He was 2 at the time, and I felt terrrible about him seeing me cry so much.
Fotunately I learned that even kids can learn about grieving. In grieving we also show how much we care about a person. I was amazed. Instead of trying to hide it from my son, I allowed him to help me grieve. He helped me heal. He would come over and hug me and just be there. You would've never thought he was a 2 year old. But kids are smart. I was amazed. He truly helped me.
I'm not trying to tell you to let it all our in front of your kids. I'm just saying hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself if you get emotional in front of them. They can learn, and even benefit, from that life experience.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy. I just wanted to share from personal experience.
Again, I am sorry for all you're going through.
Sending lots of ((hugs)) and prayers your way. I'm so sorry.
You do need to take care of yourself. If for no other reason, you have people depending on you. One of the best things you can do for your girls is to take care of their Mama! I also agree with the pp. It's ok to show the girls that you are human and that you hurt too. Maybe even the Mermaid would have a little more patience with you if you could explain that mommy is sad right now. And of course make sure you ask for help if you need it. Maybe the Knight can give you a few hours to yourself.
My thoughts are with you.
I'm very very sorry for whatever you had experienced. I hope you feel better soon.
I also feel sorry for the little baby. Hope she'll be doing just fun.
*my hugs for you and the baby*
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief and I are an old companion after so many pregnancy losses and the loss of three close friends. I think it is fine to tell the kids that you are grieving and very sad. Death is a part of life, and they will come into contact with it many, many times.
They will learn how to deal with it by watching you. When the time comes when they ae coping themselves, it will help them if they are aware that it is a natural part of life.
Love, Kas
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