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I had been doing really well. I researched and picked up a great supplement that was really helping me a lot. I was exercising, and in general being an active and happy mommy.
So, now, when things are going well, when we are getting ready to move into our first house, when we have paid off so much debt, when my doula business is picking up and everything is looking up.....why now do I feel the presence of those dark clouds coming up on the horizon, why now do I hear the rumbling in the distance?
I've gained weight. I have trouble getting up in the morning. I don't show up for half the activities and playdates that I intend to go to. I watch more TV. My kids are watching more TV.
Why now?
People close to me, who see what is happening, they tell me that I have so much in my life to be happy for. That I am blessed. I know I am blessed, I know how lucky I am and I am so grateful. That's not the problem. I don't know what the problem is. I don't know why, when I have so much to be happy for, it's getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed...to smile...to care...
I guess I should rephrase. I do care. I do get out of bed. I do smile. I continue to love my work, I still look forward to working with my clients and I'm looking forward to their upcoming births. But it is getting harder and harder to do those little, every day things that I used to find such joy in.
So, what do I do now? I'm working with a coach, and she is helping me immensely with setting goals to keep me motivated and on track. I adore working with her and I can't get over how much I've achieved with her help. But, I'm beginning to think that I need to go see a counselor. And I hate thinking that. Does seeing a counselor make me crazy? A failure?
I have the name and number of a counselor that was recommended to me written down on a post-it note, stuck front of my desk. I've been staring at it for a few days now, trying to get up the courage to call. Trying to convince myself that this does not mean that I am crazy or that I am a failure, it just means that I need a little more help than I thought I did and there is nothing wrong with that.
Call those thoughts silly, call them dramatic, call them whatever you wish. They are there. And that is one obstacle that I am going to have to overcome by myself.
4 comments:
Your not crazy. I think its great that you are aware of it. I think its the people that let it go too long are the ones that run into trouble.
I second what Shannon said. While this is something you have to decide in your own heart, there is nothing wrong or shameful about it.
As an added suggestion, have you read about the 1000 gifts? I first heard about it here: http://aholyexperience.com/2006/11/gift-list-thousand-things.html and have been listing the things that I'm grateful for daily. This simple exercise has been so beneficial to my perspective, and a reaffirmation when I need a boost.
Blessings,
Steph
Sometimes depression hits when everything's going relatively well because you can finally "let down" after pushing and pushing to get everything into place. Be kind to yourself!
For me, I have always had a lot of "drama" in my upbringing for lack of a better word. It's almost like living in survival mode is normal to me.
When things are going smoothly, I kinda don't know how to act and I start to shut down if I'm not on top of it.
Counseling is a wonderful TOOL! Just like all the info you use to create a wonderful birth experience or taking classes before learning to breastfeed... there are many things we are never taught to do and some of us (I think the smart ones) recognize that and get the help we need. So we can go on to have healthy relationships with our kids and our spouses and even with ourselves. :)
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