How to Know If You Really Want Kids

Think you want to have kids? Think again.

Monday mornings are tough, but the Monday coming back from vacation is always harder. I specifically went to bed early because I knew I would have to do a lot of post-vacation clean up around the house.

The Tadpole took forever to go to sleep. And then he kept waking up. Over and over again, all night long. I tried nursing him, cuddling him, rocking him. I took of his pj's in case he was too warm, changed his diaper, but whatever was bothering him did not stop. I got literally one hour of sleep, from 5:30 to 6:30AM.

I missed my morning run. I hate missing my morning run.

I heard The Knight get out of the shower at 6:30AM. I heard him come into the bedroom and I heard him say to me, "Do you know Tadpole is naked?" I grunted in response. He poked my back and I opened one extremely heavy, crusty eyelid to glare at him. It was enough to wipe the smile of his face and I closed my eyes again.

Then I heard him say, "I smell poop..."

I sat up slowly and looked around. And then I saw it. The Tadpole had taken off his diaper, pooped on the rug, stepped on it, and tracked it all over the entire second floor. Including the WHITE rug in the hallway and the girls' room. THEN he apparently played with it and rubbed it all over himself.

The Knight cleaned The Tadpole up while I attacked the rugs, swearing under my breath the entire time. I went into the girls room and started the clean up in there.

While scrubbing the rug, I looked up and saw that they had taken an entire box of maxi pads and stuck them to the bedroom walls.


*1....2....3...4...5....6...7....8...9...10* DEEP BREATH.

"Girls why did you do this?"
"We wanted to make a carpet on the wall."

Of course we found out when we started to take them down that the sticky layer does not come off unless it takes some of the paint with it.

DEEP BREATH.

Meanwhile, the Knight had finished cleaning The Tadpole up and left for work, smirking at me as he walked out the door. F*cker. I want to go to work at a place where the co workers don't sh*t all over the house!!

DEEP BREATH

I'm finishing up the rug cleaning when The Mermaid tells me that she'll take The Tadpole downstairs and start breakfast. Which she has done many times before. I smile gratefully at her, thank her, and tell her I'll be down in a minute. I finish the rug, scrub my hands until they are red wash my hands, and go downstairs where I'm greeted by the sight of literally half a box of cereal all over the kitchen floor. Not the usual amount of cereal that most parents are stepping on, I'm talking literally half a box.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!?"
"Oh, well, Tadpole asked for the box and I gave it to him and he dumped it out."

Another cleanup. Now I'm sitting here, typing this while staring at the coffee maker, willing it to drip faster.

It is only 8:45 in the morning.

Sadly, this day is not all that unusual. If you read this and still want kids, congrats. You're going to make a great parent. And you can have mine, all three if you want.

How to Know If You Really Want Kids